It Can Still Be Abuse, Even if it Doesn’t Leave Bruises
Types and Signs of Abuse in a Marriage
You may have been taught, like many women, that only physical violence is abuse. Or that only physical violence warrants the need for safety in a marriage. And that adultery is the only sin that garners God’s full attention on behalf of the wife. But is that really true?
Maybe you’ve lived on what feels like a chaotic merry go round in your marriage and are left wondering if that’s what all marriages are like? You may be wondering if you’re alone. I want to reassure you--you are not alone. Many women, just like you, are out there wondering in silence the very same things you are. Because, their marriages are also experiencing devastating cycles of pain and hurt.
You may have heard that if your husband doesn’t hit you or commit adultery, you have no recourse in your marriage except to pray and hold onto a fading hope that things will change. Which leaves you wondering: is that really God’s plan for your life. Are you just supposed to live endlessly in silent pain and suffering while your husband gets to treat you in awful, dehumanizing ways?
I am here to tell you, that no, that isn’t God’s desire for your marriage or any marriage. No matter what pastors or well meaning Christians have told you, God does not care for the sanctity of marriage more than He cares for the two people that make up that marriage. And if one person in the marriage is contiually harming the other, that is NOT God’s best for that marriage. Not only is not God’s best, but He detests the witness that this kind of marriage gives to the world.
Marriage is designed to be a witness of His goodness to us—and to demonstrate how two people can give unselfishly to one another, as Christ gave for the church. Not a witness of abuse, devastation, neglect and patterns of hurt and anguish. God would’t have created something to harm you—or your children.
Abuse That Doesn’t Leave Bruises: Emotional Abuse
So you may be wondering...if abuse can be things other than physical harm, what else does it include?
Abuse can take many forms. Emotional and psychological can be especially damaging to victims and occur in some way in all areas of abuse, whether sexual, financial or physical or otherwise. Emotional abuse is a powerful means used to gain control and power over another person, which can be mentally devastating and affect a person’s self worth. In fact, emotional abuse is so destructive that many survivors say they would rather be hit than to endure emotional and psychological abuse.
Emotional abuse can involve what’s called “love bombing.” This is when an abusive spouse shows you great attention to show or prove their love. Often, this happens after they’ve done something extremely hurtful, as a means of making "amends" for the wrong they’ve done. They may shower you with compliments, gifts, affection--or all of the above. But it’s important to remember that these things aren’t being done out of true love, but rather as a means to control and confuse—and to keep you coming back after the abuse.
Love bombing can also happen at the beginning of a new relationship as a way to sweep you off your feet before you have time to notice any flaws in the other person. They may even declare soon after getting to know you, that you're their soul mate.
Emotional abuse can also include: gas lighting, insults, swearing, constantly texting you or wanting to know where you’re at. Other forms include, constant criticizing of the things you do, your friends, or even for who you are. Emotional abusers can be possessive, jealous and overly controlling. Sermonizing, patronizing and circular arguments that are confusing and throw you off kilter are also common.
Women who experience emotional abuse frequently struggle with health effects from the build up of stress in their bodies. They may go from one doctor to another with a whole host of unexplainable ailments, never realizing that their physical problems are the result of the emotional battles they've been fighting.
Financial Abuse:
Financial abuse is another form of abuse that can occur in destructive and harmful marriages. This can look like the husband just trying to be a good provider but in reality, it’s a means to keep control over you through the family’s finances. If you find that you are never allowed access to the finances, or are only given an allowance, or kept on an unrealistic budget, you may be dealing with financial abuse. (See chart below for more signs of financial abuse.)
Sexual Abuse:
Another form of abuse, is sexual abuse. This includes being forced to have sex against your wishes, or being guilted into having sex. It may also include being coerced into doing sexual things that you are not comfortable with, or affection or intimacy being withheld from you as a means of punishment. It’s important to remember with all forms of abuse, your situation may be different from someone else’s, so these lists are not inclusive. (See chart below for more signs of sexual abuse.)
Other Types of Abuse:
Abuse Knows No Bounds & Repeats Until Something Intervenes
Other forms of abuse include: spiritual, verbal, social, cultural, pets and property and using children as a means of abusing the victim. But, again these lists aren’t exhaustive. The main thread in abuse, is that one person is controlling another through power, manipulation, control or coercion. Abuse is threatening, isolating, cruel, feels unsafe, leaves you feeling off balance, and again, is not God’s design for anyone. And abuse is never your fault.
A very important thing to remember about abuse is this. Abuse is not an anger issue, a pornography addiction that needs to be overcome, or a minor character flaw that can simply be "prayed away." Abuse is a choice. It’s a choice by the abuser--even if they tell you that they don’t do it on purpose or they can't control themselves. They are making the choice to control, wound, or otherwise harm you in ways that are not God-honoring. God detests abuse. It grieves His heart as much as yours.
You may be wondering though, how can this be true? Because maybe your husband can be a really good guy when he isn’t hurting you or the kids. Your husband may even be the life of the party, or the deacon at your church, or come across to every other person as a wonderful Godly man. Many abusive men have moments of being likable, even lovable, fun, or charming. But, if the abuse is repeating and no real change is taking place, then it's still abuse.
I have heard story after story of a man yelling at his wife mercilessly or doing any number of destructive behaviors behind closed doors, but when the police show up, or a neighbor knocks on the door, the husband suddenly shifts and is able to answer the door in a calm and collected fashion. This tells me that abuse doesn’t just happen accidentally. Actions can be controlled and we are all responsible for our own actions.
Cycles of Abuse
The last important thing I want to share with you here, is that abuse doesn’t stop unless something stops it. Abuse left unchecked is like a festering wound that eventually will demand your attention, one way or another.
Abuse isn’t just a “bad day at work,” or a “sleepless night,” or this one off moment—it’s repeated cycles or hurtful, painful actions, neglect, control, and confusion. If this describes your marriage, don’t stay silent. Find someone you can speak with that you can trust. Make sure they are informed about abuse, and don’t assume that every pastor or counselor will be—many aren’t.
Also, I strongly recommend that you do not start with marriage counseling. Abuse is not a marriage issue, it’s an individual heart issue that requires individual intervention first. Once or if the abuse stops, after a period of real repentance and change occurs, then marriage counseling could be considered. Many women have entered into marriage counseling with an abusive spouse only to walk away more confused.
The message they receive from their pastor or counselor is that the burden of their marriage falls squarely on their shoulders—even though there is nothing they can do to change their husband. He has to want to change. You can not change another person by praying more, submitting more or trying harder.
Your husband, like every person alive, has free will with the ability to choose turning from his actions or not. The only thing you can control is your own actions and choices. And there are things you can do, that can bring about positive change. It may not look as you wish or hope that it would—but there is real hope.
If you find yourself waking up to the fact that you’re in an abusive marriage, don’t give up. Setting healthy boundaries, seeking safety when needed are important first steps. But above all, don’t let shame or the things you’ve been taught at church, or growing up, hold you hold you back from breaking free from the cycle of abuse. God desires good things for you and your children, and abuse was never a part of those plans!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah. If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer and find real hope and purpose for your future.