Confusing Love: the Counterfeit to Real Love
You may be thinking, what in the world is confusing love…that sure sounds confusing! Well, it is. Let me explain. To clarify its meaning for our purposes here, I have to start by defining the opposite. You see, there is true love, which is God’s love as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13, and then there is its polar opposite: “confusing love,” or more accurately abusive “love.” The latter is confusing at its best, and life threatening at its worst. It isn’t really love at all. But for the purpose of this article, we will name it “confusing love,” because abusers want their victims to believe it is love—but again, it absolutely isn’t.
I believe the enemy, the devil, creates counterfeits for the things in life that are true and good. He loves to counterfeit what God has created. He does this in many ways and in many areas. One shining example of this is that while God created one man to marry one woman in the beginning, we see in the Old Testament where man had already begun collecting wives like trinkets. We see the counterfeit. It didn’t take long for God’s perfect plan to be thrust aside for man’s desires. Just look at Solomon! By the end of his life he had 700 wives, and 300 concubines. Could he really have loved each and every one with a God inspired love? I doubt it. And, of course we know this is only one counterfeit attack on marriage, there have been many since the days of Solomon.
True Love
We see also that God originally created man and woman to compliment and love each other, and in 1 Corinthians 13 God explains what that love is supposed to look like. This is what God says real love will look in the life of a true believer: we will be patient, kind, not envying others, not boasting about ourselves, not proud, rude, self seeking, easily angered, and we won’t keep a record of the failures of others (and this doesn’t mean that you don’t remember when someone has a pattern of abusing you). The Bible goes on to say that love doesn’t take pleasure in evil, but rather is drawn to the truth and speaks the truth; and a loving person always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres in doing right for those they love.
The Counterfeit
Now, let’s look at the devil’s counterfeit. Confusing love, or the love that unhealthy people try to pass off as real love is impatient, unkind, jealous, prideful, boastful, arrogant, rude, selfish, easily angered, and keeps a list of grievances to pull up against you when it’s convenient for them. A person who gives you confusing love, says I love you one moment, (and you may even believe them), but the very next, they are taking pleasure in your destruction. They slander you with their tongue, and can’t seem to speak truthfully. They do not protect your heart, often they themselves are the ones wounding it, because they themselves are not trustworthy. They are discouraging to try to have a relationship with, and they can’t seem to persevere in doing what is right. In essence, someone who only knows and gives out “confusing love,” is not a safe person to trust your heart to.
So, let’s go back to what the Bible says about real love again for a moment. Before the Bible outlines what real love looks like it also spoke about those who don’t posses it. If we really examine what the Bible is saying in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3, it’s clear that God wasn’t referring to those without faith. He wasn’t speaking to the pagans, the heathens, or the lost…He was speaking to “Christians.”
He was basically saying that those without His “true love” can stand up front at church and preach an amazing sermon week after week, they can even bring about false revival in the hearts of others, they can travel to the ends of the earth and share the Gospel, they can know their Bibles inside and out…but guess what? If they don’t have God’s true love, they have nothing. Actually, what the Bible literally says is “they are nothing, and will gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3). It’s a painful warning. There are many men (and sometimes women) who are sharing God in public, many even from our pulpits, but in private they spread the devil in their homes and among their families. God is not pleased with this.
We Grieve Because it Hurts
Most likely if you’re reading this, you have already crossed paths with the enemy’s counterfeit to real love. If you have, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I say loss, because that’s what it actually is. When we extend ourselves to love another person with our whole hearts, and then receive back a counterfeit, we grieve because it hurts. It’s a loss of what we feel should have been. And though some well meaning soul may say it’s your own expectations that are really hurting you, in this situation, it was God’s expectation for you too. He designed you and I to experience His real love. Sadly though, we don’t live in an ideal world; instead we live in the fallen version.
We have to watch out, because the devil will use these losses to “magnify and spread” confusing love, if we let him. He knows that by hurting one person he can use that person to hurt another. This is why he starts early. He knows that if he can wound someone in their youngest years, at the hands of those who were supposed to show and emulate real love to them, he can catch some in his net. He uses parents, aunts, uncles, predators, even pastors and “Christians” to hurt children, and leave them festering in their wounds all the way to adulthood. He has done this to many men (and again women, but statistics show it’s men who predominantly abuse women), and then told them the lie that they should suppress their pain, don’t cry about it, and “man up.” Essentially the message they learned while still young was stay silent, not get help and just move on. Only when they move on unhealed, they often wound others. The enemy of our souls loves it when this happens. But, when we know God’s plan, we can fight the devil’s plan. We don’t have to be a part of his plan to bring about death instead of life.
God’s way is to help us break free from counterfeit love, and bring us into His redemptive, healing, truth-filled love.
God’s way is to help us break free from counterfeit love, and bring us into His redemptive, healing, truth-filled love. This is where we can change the script, and instead of being one more hurt person hurting people, we can become healed and help others to heal too. If you are a women and feel trapped by someone’s confusing love, you may be “hooked on false hope.” God as a solution to this, and wants you to be able to untangle from that hook (read more here).
I don’t know who it was that may have wounded you, it could have been a parent, a sibling, a friend, or even your spouse. It may have been a one time deep wound, or you may have a lifetime of festering, lonely, unattended wounds. Either way, I know your pain is real. I want to give you hope, that you don’t have to stay in confusing love, because God has a better plan for you. God designed you to be healthy, free, and to live abundantly.
If you have read the lists above, and it sounds like you may be experiencing “confusing love,” I encourage you to reach out to others and not allow the confusion to stay in secret where the enemy loves to keep things. Bring it into the light, God’s light, where it can be eradicated. Seek out those who can help you walk towards healing and don’t stay trapped in confusion. I won’t give you false hope, nor can I offer you an easy fix, there may be many steps to healing ahead of you, but with God’s help and often the help of a supportive circle, you can break free!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!