Hooked on Hope: False Hope Can Keep You Stuck
Have you ever seen a fish that was stuck on a fishing line, tangled and unable to free itself? I have, and it seemed terribly painful. Even if you’re not particularly fond of fish, it can still be difficult to watch any life wane and fade. It simply wasn’t part of God’s perfect plan at creation.
One day my son was out exploring around the lake where my parents live, and came across a floating buoy. As he watched, the buoy began to move in short spurts as though it were being tugged, which seemed odd. In all my years of growing up around this lake, I had never seen a fisherman use this method to catch fish, so it seemed out of place. Nothing and no one was anywhere near the buoy. Eventually curiosity got the better of him, and he paddled over and began to reel up the line that was attached below and tugging at the buoy above. What he found surprised him. It was a 3 foot long catfish! He obviously had taken the bait, and become stuck on the hook dangling on a line below the buoy.
We imagined that he must have yanked and pulled that buoy around for who knows how long. The poor thing was bedraggled by the time my son found him. Long story short, he took pity on him, and brought him back to my parent’s dock where we worked on him, until we freed the hook from his mouth and released him back into the lake. As silly as it may seem, it was such a happy moment to see him go free. I doubt if you’ve ever seen a happier catfish than that one!
Are you “Hooked on Hope”
I tell you that story, because that’s what many people are experiencing today. They have taken the bait and are hooked, just like that catfish. They are “hooked on hope.” Toxic relationships are on the rise; in marriages, in families, among “friends.” We live in a broken society. And in broken societies you have guess what? You guessed it, broken people. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: hurt people, hurt people…unless they find healing.
Women stuck in abusive marriages are particularly prone to getting “hooked on hope.” Which hope in and of itself is not bad or wrong. We all need hope. It’s good for us to hope in the promises of God and the things His word promises to bring about in our lives. However, the Bible also tells us that “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12).
Unrelenting disappointment has a way of causing heartbreak.
To put it another way, unrelenting disappointment has a way of causing heartbreak. Much like that catfish, he could have hoped all he wanted, but he wasn’t going anywhere. It took an intervention to free him from his hook. Sometimes it takes intervention to free us from being “hooked” as well.
I want to elaborate on the differences between a hope that is from God, and the kind of hope that has the potential to make our hearts “sick.” You see God’s Word is brimming with hope and promises for our lives. We have the hope that Christ will one day return for those who have chosen to follow and accept Him as their Savior. You can always hope in this. His Word also promises to give us rest when our burdens are too heavy, if we bring them to Him (Matthew 11:28-30). These, among so many other promises are true and will come to pass, because God says they will.
The Key Ingredient in Changing
However, in the case of a marriage being destroyed through one partner’s abuse, there is a key component that we need to take into account. Though God gives us many promises of beautiful things that can happen in our lives, there is a caveat. We have to choose to take hold of the promises and we have to make the commitment to follow Christ the way He calls us to. Just as much as God is a God of promises, there is one thing He is not. God is not a God of force. He will not force us to choose Him and His ways. He will not force anyone, and that includes the husband that is actively, routinely, and often aggressively sinning against his “hope-filled” wife.
You see if you are married to a man that has chosen to ignore God and His ways, neither God nor you can force him to change. He has to make the decision on his own to stop being abusive. Abuse is always a choice. Abuse does not happen because your husband was abused himself or had a horrible childhood. Abuse does not continue because he is stressed, hungry, or didn’t sleep well—abuse is his choice, and he alone has to choose to stop it.
The bad things that happen to us don’t have to define us. This is true for men who are abusing their spouses. They do not have to continue to abuse others because of their past–abuse is a choice.
Many people come from abusive, pain-filled backgrounds and have bad days and times, but not all people are abusive. So that tells me that we can overcome those things and they don’t have to lead us to become what has happened to us. No one else, including God can force anyone to make that choice. And this is often where women get “hooked.”
They live years riding through their husband’s cycles of abuse, hoping that he will change. Life becomes like a never ending merry-go-round with no exit in sight. They circle round and round, while they continue to research methods, counseling, books, programs, speak with their pastors, their friends all in an effort to present their spouses with that one miraculous “thing” that will fix their husband and help him to stop being abusive.
They mistakenly believe, maybe you too have believed this, that somehow this man who has shown you contempt in whatever form: physical, emotional, financial, sexual, emotional abandonment is all of the sudden going to become extremely receptive to your ideas for helping the marriage. If he doesn’t listen to you in day to day matters, or even belittles you, most likely he is not going to hear your opinions on what could help him. Because the reality is, wives don’t hold the key to his turning from his ways. He does. He has to want to change. And when that happens, he will seek out the help he needs to go about changing.
Change is Possible for Those Who Want to Change
Now, please hear me clearly, I believe and know that God works. His ways work, and intercessory prayer has power. I have spent many years as a missionary in foreign fields and here in my home country, and I have seen amazing answers to prayer. But, praying for an abusive man whose heart is so seared that he no longer is capable of hearing the Holy Spirit will be an act of futility—if that man doesn’t turn his heart and incline his ear to hear.
I am hesitant to add this but, can you imagine how many prayers have ascended for evil men (and women) who were wayward, abusive, even sin-sick throughout the history of time? Hitler, Judas who walked with Jesus, Jezebel and the multitude of kings listed as “bad kings” throughout the pages of the Bible, and these are just a few in a long list. I hesitate here because I don’t want this to draw your focus over to why God didn’t stop the evil these individuals committed. Naturally our minds gravitate towards this question, especially when speaking of mad men like Hitler and the results of his evil. However, that question would best be dealt with in another post. I also don’t want you to think that I am equating your spouse who may be abusing you on some level, with the level of evil these men committed, though your spouse could be perpetrating similarly heinous acts, I certainly don’t know.
What I hope instead is to draw your attention to these examples, so that you can see clearly that God did not force these men to change, even though we can be certain many people were praying for their hearts to do so. It illustrates better than anything else I could say, the principle that God doesn’t force people to choose Him and His ways. It also illustrates that no matter how much we want to believe every person will be redeemed, some will not be. Not because God doesn’t want them to be, but because they choose not to be.
Is change possible, yes, but only if a person wants to change.
If you love someone that you are hoping to see change for the better, I understand how frustrating it can be to not see the changes you are hoping for, even praying for. I understand the pain of hearing a pastor or a friend say to you, you just need to have more faith, or pray more about your loved one. Sadly, what this intimates is that you are the one falling short of bringing about your loved one’s change. This is a lie.
When people make these comments they are highly uninformed about abuse. You cannot do anything that will make an abuser stop abusing you, except for setting healthy boundaries or in more extreme cases, walking away. You simply don’t have that much power. Should you keep praying? In my opinion, I would always say yes, because God calls us to pray “without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17). However, instead of praying for God to change your husband’s heart, pray that your husband will be willing to change, and that you will be able to release the outcome to God for better or for worse.
From that perspective and from those prayers, move forward deciding what you need to do for your own safety, sanity and healing. That may mean staying and continuing to work on things, and it may not–only you and the Lord, working together, will be able to make that decision. I am not suggesting any of this will be easy, likely it won’t be, because false hope is hard to leave behind. But, real hope is better, I promise.
Why Can’t They Change Back
You may remember the good times you once had with your spouse or loved one, and saw how they changed from being that kind, thoughtful individual into the hurtful person you now know. So you’re left wondering, if they could change from being kind to unkind, why can’t they change back? Again, it’s totally possible, they can, if they want to. Every person has the ability and capacity to change, but a person has to truly want to change and be committed to the process it will take to get them there. And the path to change isn’t easy for a man that has lived in a pattern of being abusive, often for many, many years.
Even after an abusive partner decides to make changes, it can still be extremely difficult to untangle the thinking patterns that started them down the road to being abusive, some of which include feelings of entitlement and thoughts about being right in their own eyes.
Lundy Bancroft, expert in abusive relationships and author of the book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,” states that overcoming abuse is extremely difficult for abusive men and can often be a life long process.
Real Hope
I don’t share these things to discourage your already hurting soul. Likely if you are reading this, you have already experienced enough disappointment. I say these things to free you from a hook that is keeping you tied to a line that goes no where good. Now, can an abusive man change, absolutely. I believe it is possible, because God says all things are possible through Him (Matthew 19:26). But, from experience as a survivor of domestic abuse and from reading and researching hundreds of stories of abuse, as well as stepping into the lives of women who are being abused as a coach and earlier in life as a missionary and lay counselor, I am all too familiar with the statistics. Statistically speaking it is very few men who are actually able to break their cycles of abuse. And there are many women out there who have lived through abuse for longer than anyone should ever have to.
Real hope lies in changing the things you have control over.
So, now I want to offer you real hope. The kind of hope that is freeing and liberating. The hope that Christ offers to help you be set free from these cycles. Whether you decide to stay in your situation if your partner begins to work on his issues, or you decide for your safety and sanity that it is time to put some distance between you and him, so that you and your children can heal, there are things you can do. That’s where real hope lies, in the things you can do, and in the promises that God has for you and your healing.
If you’re ready to get off of the merry go round, take the first step, which is learning to live in reality. God says “come let us reason together,” is it time to unhook the line that has kept you bound for so long, and begin to honestly reason through your situation with God’s help? Allow Him to speak deeply into your heart and ask yourself if you are seeing real change and repentance in your spouse’s actions, or is the cycle just continuing to repeat. Remember, that real repentance means a turning from sin, so the abuse shouldn’t be continuing if his repentance is genuine.
It may be time to take your eyes off of your husband and his change and place your focus on the things you can change. God created you to be loved and to be able to love freely, so that you can bring glory to His name. I believe He wants the same for Christian marriages as well. God desires for our marriages to be healthy and flourishing so that those outside the faith can see something different in our relationships, something that can help win them to a loving Savior.
God did not design anyone to live life bound by abuse. God didn’t design marriages to be a place to foster abuse either. This would negate His purpose and ultimate goals. You are immeasurably valuable to God. Is it time for you to begin seeing yourself as God sees you and to seek help for your situation? If so, I invite you to join me in taking one step in that direction.
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!