Whose Side of the Fence is it On…Why Setting Healthy Boundaries Matters
Someone recently said to me, “but how can boundaries be Biblical!” Or to put it another way, she was asking, is it really loving to set boundaries with someone you love? I believe with all her heart, she just couldn’t imagine that placing boundaries around an intimate relationship could be of God.
But, if we know the nature of God, we know that He is a God of love…and justice (1 John 4:7-21, Psalm 89:14). He isn’t one sided, He is multi-faceted. He is the God who set the most well known boundary in history when He gave us the Ten Commandments on Mt. Sinai, written on stone with his own finger (obviously He expected these to endure!). Yet, He is the same God who sent His only son to die for the sins of a fallen world.
His character is one of justice, boundaries and even punishment or consequences at times. But, He is also and always a God of forgiveness, love, patience and mercy. Understandably, this is sometimes hard for our human minds to understand. This is where boundaries come in.
Boundaries are actually God’s blessing for us, and not His punishment that we hand out to others.
I want to tell you a little about our puppy Scout. When we got our puppy from the shelter at seven weeks old, we had already made up our mind that we were going to set some firm boundaries with him. You see we have adopted several strays over the years, which came into our home at an older age. And the truth is we didn’t put in the effort to train them like we should have. As a result we suffered through some bad behaviors, that at times disrupted our lives, because of our lack of effort.
So this time, we decided to really focus on training. So, I began researching dog training sites to become better informed on how to train our new pup. While browsing one of those sites, I saw a post that struck me as something that has a much wider application. It clearly applied to pet owners, but I think to each of us as well, and it’s worth exploring here while we are discussing boundaries. Here’s a portion of the post so you can get the gist…
“We tend to view love as giving our dogs whatever they want/desire, and hope (or expect) that it will translate to our dogs feeling loved, safe, and happy. This is probably more than anything else, what’s at the core of most human/dog issues. Sadly, these good intentions typically cause our dogs to become ill-behaved bullies, chaotic wrecks, and even neurotic basket cases. Not a very loving outcome.
Dogs, like human children, don’t flourish from getting everything they request or desire, and from pushing rules and not receiving adequate pushback. They feel unsafe (because no one is in charge), they develop anti-social behavior (because no one has enforced pro-social behavior), and they end up suffering for our skewed take on “love.”
Truth is, some owners (dog parents) don’t know any better, and some do, but find it too much work, and others find the personal rewards of witnessing the momentary “joy” which comes from allowance/enabling too irresistible to resist. If you’re experiencing issues with your dog, perhaps it’s time to more deeply examine how you view “love.”” (From Good Dog Training and Rehabilitation)
The Real Reason This is Important
This post, I thought, was pretty profound for a dog training site. But the real reason I’m sharing this is not for other pet owners (though certainly there is wisdom here for them too!), but rather to open a conversation about how we view love in our interactions with other people. You see, the same principle shared in this advice aptly applies to our close family and intimate relationships with people.
The truth is we live in a world full of hurting souls who are either incapable, unaware or blind to what love really is and what it shouldn’t be—and as individuals, even as a society as a whole, it’s hurting us. I call this “confusing love,” which you can read more about here…
Too often people see boundaries as bad or harsh. But, if your child is running into the street with a car barreling down on them at 60 MPH, would it be harsh to yell at them to get out of the street or to tell them once they have gotten safely out of the street that from now on you expect them to stay out of the road? You have just set a boundary…but was it out of harshness or love?
The Results of Boundaries: Peace, Security & Safety
Back to our pup Scout for a moment, we did end up putting him through obedience training. I can honestly say as a result he now understands in many ways what behavior is allowed and what is not allowed. This has proven to be invaluable in our home. Unlike our unruly (though still much loved) dogs of the past, who would run away from us when off their leash, leaving us to chase them endlessly, Scout knows we are his people, and stays close by. For the times when he does get sidetracked and wanders off (because he isn’t perfect, just because he’s had some training)—we are able to call him back with simple signals, instead of an all out chase, like with our other dogs.
The boundaries we’ve set with him keeps our lives free from chaos and just as important it keeps him safe by not running into roads or into other things that could harm him. He also knows now that biting on us like human chew toys is no longer acceptable, and that chewing on our belongings isn’t either. We no longer have to eat meals squatting on our chairs for fear of his sharp, shark like teeth piercing our feet if we leave them on the floor!
What I’m saying is this, by setting a few simple rules and boundaries with him early on, we get to lead a more normal, stable life in our home, instead of being ruled by his unruly puppy behaviors. You see, we stopped dismissing his unruly misbehavior as “normal” or even cute puppy behavior. We stopped enabling him to behave badly. Instead we took real action, and learned in doing so that we could expect better from him. The training and boundaries we began setting with Scout were not easy, it took hard work and practice on our part (and his), but in the long run it was worth it. We are now reaping the benefits of choosing the hard things early on with our pup and are now seeing it pay off ten-fold as he continues to grow.
Sometimes We Have to Choose our Hard
You can either choose the hard path of setting boundaries with someone in your life that is hurting you, or you can choose the hard path of allowing them to continue to hurt and take advantage of you. I’ll be honest, both paths are going to be hard, but only one path is going to lead to things becoming better in the long run. You’ve probably heard this before, but “we have to choose our hard.”
There are going to be times where either way we go is going to be hard, and we just have to choose our “hard.”
Here’s the thing, true love, Godly love, doesn’t include enabling those we care about. We realize that by doing so we are actually playing a part in allowing them to keep living in ways that hurt us or others. In the end that hurts them too. No, we can’t force anyone to give up their hurtful or even abusive ways towards us or others, but we can stand firm in love and send the message that we personally won’t be an enabler to their bad or harmful habits. Some things are our responsibility to deal with, and some things are not…learn more about the difference here.
Remember, healthy boundaries are like keeping a fence around what is yours to control. Your emotions and your actions, those are yours to control. You cannot control anyone else’s emotions, habits, words or actions, but you can control yours. You have more power than you think. In a neighborhood people have fences so that they know where their property line begins and their neighbor’s property begins. Otherwise no one would know what was their responsibility to care for!
God wants you to own what is yours to own, and to allow others to own what is their responsibility to own. Is it time you stop over-functioning for others in your life? Is it time that you allow them to step up to the plate and begin experiencing life and learning how to do the hard things they need to do for their own growth, and for you to focus on your growth? Only you can answer these questions, but they can be a good starting place to assess if it’s time to make some “hard” choices about your more difficult relationships. Dear friend, I am praying that God will lead you into being painfully truthful with yourself, so that you can make some real progress towards becoming the best you possible!
**If you missed the earlier article on how to identify real hope verses false hope, to see if you may be stuck on the hook of the wrong one…I encourage you to read more about that. Often false hope and a lack of boundaries feed on one another.
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!