Is Being Nice Killing You?
Chronic people pleasing and never saying no come with a price.
Does it feel like you’re always giving, but never the one receiving? Do you dread the thought of disappointing others, so you go above and beyond to make sure everyone in your life is happy—all the time? Or cringe when asked to do one more project, because you know you’ll say yes, even though secretly you want to say no? Are you eager to please and wear a constant smile, even when your world is falling in around you? If this is you, read on—because being “nice” and trying to please everyone—all the time, exacts a high toll.
Studies are showing that there are very real side effects related to chronic people pleasing and trying to be “nice” all the time. Being accommodating, self sacrificing, never expressing hard truths or emotions in the name of being “nice” are often lauded by society, and especially in Christian circles. Women are expected to mild, agreeable, never to express anger, real emotions, or even their needs. We are seen as the caretakers of society. And when we step outside of these “norms” we’re often labeled “bossy” or “controlling,” even if we are simply speaking our truth in love.
But, while many of us have been taught as women that we should always be nice and pleasant, the effects of trying to live up to these societal standards could be hurting us, both physically and mentally.
I’ve heard people pleasing referred to as the “disease to please.” It very well could be just that. In a recent article which appeared in Time magazine titled “Self Silencing is Making Women Sick,” it shares some eye-opening statistics on the physical effects of suppressing our needs and silencing our voices, for the sake of being pleasant.
One study by Dana Jack from the 1980’s found that women who inhibit their self expression and engage in compulsive care giving and pleasing others have a higher risk for depression. In more recent studies, links have been made to increased risk of heart attack, irritable bowl syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, cancer and even premature death.
When we continually stuff down our very real needs while we busy ourselves with the needs of others, our health suffers.
Suppressing your emotions, while it may garner you kudos from those who appreciate a silent, submissive or pleasant woman, won’t help you to live the life God intended for you. You may please others, but you may not be pleasing God.
God’s word tells us that our bodies are His temple, and that we are to care for them as such. But sadly, when we stay busy running ourselves into the ground trying to meet everyone else’s needs, our own mental and physical needs get pushed aside. This isn’t healthy, and it certainly doesn’t fulfill our calling to care for our temples.
Helping to the Point of Hurting
We run from this event to that event making sure our kids have the “best experiences,” and that their needs are completely met. We ensure that our husbands never have a moments worry over what they’ll have to eat for their next meal, and keep the house in top condition because you never know when someone might pop in—and we certainly wouldn’t want them to see a messy house, right? Because that would reflect on guess who—yep, us. Never mind that we aren’t the only ones living in the house, and others are just as capable of picking up and keeping things tidy.
We answer yes, to every request for the women’s ministry board, the children’s programs at church, the weekly potluck—yes, check—WE will be the ones supplying all the food. You get the picture, the list is endless. And I imagine some of you reading this could fill a book with just your weekly schedule alone!
And while there is nothing wrong with these things individually, the problem arises when they crowd out our ability to care for even our basic needs. It isn’t bad or wrong to want to please someone or to do something nice from your own free will. When it becomes unhealthy is when you feel like you don’t have the option to say no, or you’re giving from a place of compulsion because of someone else’s guilt trip. It’s also not healthy when we act from a place of fear that we might displease someone or even out of our own fears of not doing enough.
Giving From Dry Places
In my own story of people pleasing, I paid a high price. After years of serving in full time missions, and believing that everyone else’s needs should come before my own, my body eventually gave out. I was taught that to give sacrificially was my blessing. I was taught to be a living sacrifice, and that doing so was part of the abundant Christian life. Though, I’ll be honest, I had many days where I didn’t “feel” that abundance!
During those years I could count on one hand the number of sermons I heard in church that spoke about making sure that I also took care of me. In fact, I could count on less than five fingers! The balance was and is tremendously lacking.
For years, I lived life like I was allergic to saying the word “no.” Many of the sermons and messages I heard made me feel a deep sense of guilt. The message was: I wasn’t doing “enough”— and eventually that translated into I wasn’t “enough” unless I was doing something for someone else. Thankfully, God found me in my mess, and taught me that loving myself is just as important as loving others.
Modeling Unhealthy People Pleasing
Unfortunately, those early years of imbalance had already been passed onto our son. He was also taught that anything his parents asked of him needed to be done “right away, all the way, and with a cheerful heart.” He wasn’t given the option to say no to things that hurt or bothered him. He was being taught, what we had been taught. In hindsight, I can tell you that this form of “all out obedience” is not best. And while in theory “right away—all the way,” may sound good, it actually conditions our children to feel rushed into accepting what’s being asked of them and to bypass their own God given reasoning abilities.
This type of teaching creates kids who turn into teens and adults who are compliant, but often resentful of that compliance. They may smile and say yes, but on the inside could be hurting and upset because they can’t muster or find a way to say no. They also grow up unsure of how to set boundaries for themselves, or if they do learn, their boundaries are soft and undefined. We set them up to be taken advantage of, even abused when we don’t teach them to have a voice of their own.
There is a time and place for all out obedience…let’s say your young toddler is running into the street and a car is coming towards them at 60mph, obviously they need to be able to listen and obey quickly to avoid the oncoming car! But, as that child grows he also needs to be taught how to make those wise decisions on his own, because one day you won’t be there by the road with him.
Children and teens need to be taught to reason on their own and to recognize their thoughts and feelings, so that they can make wise choices for their own life.
That’s just one more reason why it’s so important for women to learn how to model saying no in appropriate, God-honoring ways. It will help teach our children, that it’s ok to say no to the things that aren’t good for them also.
The Messages We Are Told
The means by which we serve matters as much as the fact that we are just out there serving. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the sentiment, just do something, anything—it’s your duty to serve. And I get it, our churches are struggling and many of them only have but a handful of people even willing to help out, “the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few!” But, here’s what I needed to hear years ago, and maybe you need to hear today. If we are serving others to the point of our own emotional or physical destruction—we need to rethink how we are serving.
I have seen it over and over again, that those who give until their families are broken, their bodies are used up and their exhaustion levels are through the roof are rewarded with pats on the back and kudos for being “such good givers.” And of course we’re human, who doesn’t love kudos and recognition. That’s the trap, I know it was part of it for me.
Though, I came to the real hard truth that I couldn’t give to others what I didn’t have. And back then, I was busy giving from dry wells. My inner spring had long since dried up. I was exhausted.
If we’re emotionally dry inside, growing apathetic from our constant doing, pleasing others to the point of loosing ourselves, who are we really serving? What witness are we giving to others, to our children, to those we are serving? What’s the message this sends about our Christianity? Are we saying to the world: “suppress your own needs, come and be like me—dry, exhausted, overwhelmed. You’ll love it!” Sounds silly right? But essentially that’s what I’ve witnessed over and over in the church and among many well meaning Christians. I lived it myself.
What if We Did These Things Instead…
Now let me give you another picture to reflect on…and you can tell me which sounds better to you. What if, we as women, said yes to the things that we can capably handle and no to the things that we just aren’t able to take on? No shame, no guilt, just simply, let our yes be yes—and our no be no (Matthew 5:37). What if we prayerfully allowed God to direct our schedules instead of our own overwhelming need to please or our fear of saying no?
What if we cared less about what others think of us and sought out what God thinks of us?
What if, we got in touch with our own needs, wants, even desires, and made choices about what goes into our schedules based on what God’s best is for our lives—as well as those we are seeking to help? Because the hard truth is: if we’re burnt out, our giving isn’t even what’s best for those we think we’re helping anyway.
What if we prioritized our own care, safety, sanity, health and emotional well being first? Then from a place of overflow we had more to give. We would no longer be drudging the bottom of our well, but our springs would be full, enough for our own well being and for others. Now, how does that sound?
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences of how you’ve begun taking care of yourself, learned that it’s OK to say the word no, and what you’ve found helpful in setting healthy boundaries.
Join the conversation and comment below! I look forward to hearing your stories and suggestions…and as always if you have a question you would like to have answered in a future blog post, you can submit those below too.
Eyal, M., & It, H. W. (2023, October 3). Self-silencing is making women sick. Time. https://time.com/6319549/silencing-women-sick-essay/
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!