Is Being Nice Killing You?
How Chronic People Pleasing Hurts Christian Women—and What to Do About It
Chronic people-pleasing and never saying no come with a price. If you’re a Christian woman who struggles to set boundaries, this post is for you.
Does it feel like you’re always giving, but never the one receiving? Do you dread the thought of disappointing others, so you go above and beyond to make sure everyone in your life is happy—all the time? Or cringe when asked to do one more project, because you know you’ll say yes, even though secretly you want to say no? Are you eager to please and wear a constant smile, even when your world is falling in around you?
If this is you, read on—because being “nice” and trying to please everyone—all the time, exacts a high toll.
Studies are showing that there are very real side effects related to chronic people pleasing and trying to be “nice” all the time. Being accommodating, self sacrificing, never expressing hard truths or emotions in the name of being “nice” are often lauded by society, and especially in Christian circles.
Women are expected to mild, agreeable, never to express anger, real emotions, or even their needs. We are seen as the caretakers of society. And when we step outside of these “norms” we’re often labeled “bossy” or “controlling,” even if we are simply speaking our truth in love.
But, while many of us have been taught as women that we should always be nice and pleasant, the effects of trying to live up to these societal standards could be hurting us, both physically and mentally.
I’ve heard people pleasing referred to as the “disease to please.” It very well could be just that. In a recent article which appeared in Time magazine titled “Self Silencing is Making Women Sick,” it shares some eye-opening statistics on the physical effects of suppressing our needs and silencing our voices, for the sake of being pleasant.
One study by Dana Jack from the 1980’s found that women who inhibit their self expression and engage in compulsive care giving and pleasing others have a higher risk for depression. In more recent studies, links have been made to increased risk of heart attack, irritable bowl syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, cancer and even premature death.
When we continually stuff down our very real needs while we busy ourselves with the needs of others, our health suffers.
Suppressing your emotions, while it may garner you kudos from those who appreciate a silent, submissive or pleasant woman, won’t help you to live the life God intended for you. You may please others, but you may not be pleasing God.
God’s word tells us that our bodies are His temple, and that we are to care for them as such. But sadly, when we stay busy running ourselves into the ground trying to meet everyone else’s needs, our own mental and physical needs get pushed aside. This isn’t healthy, and it certainly doesn’t fulfill our calling to care for our temples.
Helping to the Point of Hurting
We run from this event to that event making sure our kids have the “best experiences,” and that their needs are completely met. We ensure that our husbands never have a moments worry over what they’ll have to eat for their next meal, and keep the house in top condition because you never know when someone might pop in—and we certainly wouldn’t want them to see a messy house, right?
Because that would reflect on guess who—yep, us. Never mind that we aren’t the only ones living in the house, and others are just as capable of picking up and keeping things tidy.
We answer yes, to every request for the women’s ministry board, the children’s programs at church, the weekly potluck—yes, check—WE will be the ones supplying all the food. You get the picture, the list is endless. And I imagine some of you reading this could fill a book with just your weekly schedule alone!
And while there is nothing wrong with these things individually, the problem arises when they crowd out our ability to care for even our basic needs. It isn’t bad or wrong to want to please someone or to do something nice from your own free will.
When it becomes unhealthy is when you feel like you don’t have the option to say no, or you’re giving from a place of compulsion because of someone else’s guilt trip. It’s also not healthy when we act from a place of fear that we might displease someone or even out of our own fears of not doing enough.
Giving From Dry Places
In my own story of people pleasing, I paid a high price. After years of serving in full time missions, and believing that everyone else’s needs should come before my own, my body eventually gave out. I was taught that to give sacrificially was my blessing. I was taught to be a living sacrifice, and that doing so was part of the abundant Christian life.
Though, I’ll be honest, I had many days where I didn’t “feel” that abundance!
During those years I could count on one hand the number of sermons I heard in church that spoke about making sure that I also took care of me. In fact, I could count on less than five fingers! The balance was and is tremendously lacking.
For years, I lived life like I was allergic to saying the word “no.” Many of the sermons and messages I heard made me feel a deep sense of guilt. The message was: I wasn’t doing “enough”— and eventually that translated into I wasn’t “enough” unless I was doing something for someone else.
Thankfully, God found me in my mess, and taught me that loving myself is just as important as loving others.
Modeling Unhealthy People Pleasing
Unfortunately, those early patterns of imbalance had already been passed down to our son. Like us, he was taught that anything his parents asked of him had to be done “right away, all the way, and with a cheerful heart.” There was no room for hesitation, discomfort, or disagreement—even when something didn’t feel right to him. He wasn’t allowed to say no.
And in a home where abuse was present, this kind of rigid obedience can became especially toxic.
I can see how “all-out obedience” might sound virtuous in theory—but in practice, it teaches children to override their God-given instincts. It rushes them into compliance and conditions them to ignore their own developing discernment and sense of personal agency.
This type of teaching creates kids who turn into teens and adults who are compliant, but often resentful of that compliance. They may smile and say yes, but on the inside could be hurting and upset because they can’t muster or find a way to say no. They also grow up unsure of how to set boundaries for themselves, or if they do learn, their boundaries are soft and undefined. We set them up to be taken advantage of, even abused when we don’t teach them to have a voice of their own (at age-appropriate times).
There is a time and place for all out obedience…let’s say your young toddler is running into the street and a car is coming towards them at 60mph, obviously they need to be able to listen and obey quickly to avoid the oncoming car! But, as a child grows he also needs to be taught how to make those wise decisions on his own, because one day you won’t be there by the road with him.
Children and teens need to be taught to reason on their own and to recognize their thoughts and feelings, so that they can make wise choices for their own life.
That’s just one more reason why it’s so important for women to learn how to model saying no in appropriate, God-honoring ways. It will help teach our children, that it’s ok to say no to the things that aren’t good for them also.
The Messages We Are Told
The means by which we serve matters just as much as the fact that we’re serving at all. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the sentiment: Just do something—anything—it’s your duty to serve.
And I get it. Our churches are struggling. Many of them only have a handful of people willing to help. Yes, “the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few”…
But if you’re serving to the point of emotional or physical destruction, that’s not holy. That’s harmful.
Here’s what I needed to hear years ago—and maybe you need to hear today:
If you’re serving others to the point of your own emotional or physical breakdown, it’s time to rethink how you're serving.
Because we don’t serve well when we’re empty. We can’t give what we don’t have.
I’ve seen it time and time again—people giving until their families are strained, their bodies are worn down, and their souls are barely hanging on. And yet, they’re rewarded with pats on the back and praised for being “such good givers.”
Of course we’re human. We all appreciate a little recognition. That’s part of the trap. I know—it was part of it for me.
But eventually, I had to face a hard truth:
I couldn’t give to others what I didn’t have.
And back then, I was giving from dry wells. My inner spring had long since dried up. I was exhausted.
If we’re emotionally dry inside, growing apathetic from our constant doing, pleasing others to the point of losing ourselves, who are we really serving?
What witness are we giving to others, to our children, to those we are serving?
What’s the message this sends about our Christianity? Are we modeling a Christianity that says: “Come, serve until you’re depleted. Ignore your own needs. Be like me—exhausted, resentful, and burned out.”
That’s not the Gospel. That’s dysfunction.
And I know—it sounds silly when it’s put that way, right?
But, that’s the message I’ve heard again and again in the church—and I’ve lived it myself.
What if We Did These Things Instead…
Now let me give you another picture to reflect on…and you can tell me which sounds better to you.
What if, we as women, said yes to what we can handle—and no, kindly but clearly, to what we can’t? No shame, no guilt, just simply, let our yes be yes—and our no be no (Matthew 5:37).
What if, instead of letting guilt, fear of saying no, or our overwhelming need to please dictate what we do, we prayerfully allowed God to direct our schedules?
What if we made decisions not from obligation, but from overflow?
What if we cared less about what others think of us and sought out what God thinks of us?
What if, we got in touch with our own needs, wants, even desires, and made choices based on what God’s best is for our lives—as well as those we are seeking to help? Because the truth is: when we’re burned out, we’re not offering our best to anyone—not even to those we’re trying so hard to help.
What if we prioritized our own care, safety, sanity, health, and emotional well-being first?
Then, from a place of overflow, we’d have more to give. No longer scraping the bottom of the well—we’d be drawing from full springs, with enough nourishment for ourselves and others.
Because when our springs are full—emotionally, physically, spiritually—we give better. And we offer the world a truer picture of God’s love: not one rooted in martyrdom, but in wisdom, stewardship, and sustainable compassion.
Now… how does that sound?
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I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences of how you’ve begun taking care of yourself, learned that it’s OK to say the word no, and what you’ve found helpful in setting healthy boundaries.
Join the conversation and comment below! I look forward to hearing your stories and suggestions…and as always if you have a question you would like to have answered in a future blog post, you can submit those below too.
Eyal, M., & It, H. W. (2023, October 3). Self-silencing is making women sick. Time. https://time.com/6319549/silencing-women-sick-essay/
Darah Ashlie
Darah Ashlie is the President of Restored for Good Ministries, a Trauma and Abuse Recovery Coach, and an avid writer with a heart to share the wisdom God has given her through years of walking alongside women in life’s messiest places. She writes with compassion and clarity from her own healing journey and comes alongside women ready to reclaim their voice, rebuild their lives, and live in the freedom God intended. Connect with her at https://www.youtube.com/@darahashlie or on social media @DarahAshlie.