Why Knowing Your True Identity Matters
And Why It’s Okay If You Don’t Have It All Figured Out Yet!
Ever felt like you’re living someone else’s life, juggling everyone else’s expectations and wondering, ‘Why am I doing this anyway?’ or ‘Who put me in this box?’ You’re not alone.
A lot of us walk around, juggling everyone else’s “shoulds,” their “you ought to’s,” and trying to fit into molds that were never made for us. But here’s the truth: God made you one of a kind, and figuring out who you really are—outside of all that noise—is one of the most freeing things you can do.
The God-Sized Identity
God didn’t create you to be a carbon copy of everyone else. He didn’t make you to fit into someone else’s story, wear the same career hat, or make the same life choices as your next-door neighbor. He made you—with all your quirks, talents, and your wonderfully unique perspective on life—and He gave you a purpose that no one else can fill. God had specific plans when He designed you, and He still has them for you today.
But here's the catch: Sometimes, we let other people hijack those plans. They come in with their “shoulds” and “you have to’s,” and suddenly, we forget what we were created to do. We start living someone else’s vision for our life. And that? Is exhausting.
The Problem with "Should"
Let’s talk about the “shoulds” for a minute, because they’re a big deal. (And by “big deal,” I mean they can be the worst.) Sometimes others have opinions on what we “should” do with our lives, when it really isn’t their place to decide. Whether it’s a parent telling you it’s time to “date again,” your best friend insisting you “should” listen to their “absolute advice,” or society’s favorite game of “Here’s what you need to be happy,” it all piles up. And at some point, you start thinking: Maybe they’re right?
I’m here to tell you—nope. You’re not a walking “should.”
We’ve all been there: someone tells us what we ‘should’ do, as if they have the blueprint to our soul. And sometimes it’s subtle, like when you’re at church and everyone seems to be living their best ‘Proverbs 31 life.’ You know the one: perfectly organized, flawless wife, supermom who bakes all her own bread (and maybe even makes jam from scratch), homeschools, volunteers at the food bank, and somehow still has time to look Instagram-ready.
And then there’s you, wondering if it’s okay to just survive the day without burning dinner and praying you don’t accidentally throw in a load of laundry that never makes it out of the dryer. But somehow, you feel like you’re failing because you can’t do it all—and definitely don’t want to bake your own bread. (You can’t help but wonder, who has time for that anyway!)
Let me offer you some grace: If that’s not you, that’s okay. Or if you're working towards some of those things, but don’t have it all well oiled in this season of life, that’s okay too. There’s honestly no one-size-fits-all “Proverbs 31 Woman” mold that you have to squeeze yourself into.
Reality is Different than Perfection—And That’s OK!
Here’s the thing: just because others seem to have it all together doesn’t mean you need to be exactly like them. The truth is we’re usually not seeing others’ true selves on Instagram anyway — or sadly at church either sometimes.
God didn’t create you to be the “perfect” version of someone else’s life. He created you—with your own gifts, talents, and calling.
So, if you’re feeling that pressure to be the perfect Proverbs 31 wife and mother, or any other “ideal” out there, just remember: God’s version of success for you might look a little different. Maybe you were built instead for a career that meets your needs, or maybe you’re more the creative type, or maybe you’re great at being an amazing friend or advocate. Whatever it is, it’s yours, and it’s okay if it doesn’t fit into the cookie-cutter mold the church, your family, or society hands out.
The Bible’s Got Some Real Talk: Stephen and Philip
Let’s be real for a second. If you’ve ever felt “mislabeled” by others, welcome to the club. You can add Stephen and Philip in the Bible to that roster.
In Acts 6, the apostles nominated Stephen and Philip to “serve tables” and help with the widows. A very humble start. But Stephen? God had made Stephen for something more than soup. The bible says he was “full of faith and the Holy Spirit.” (Acts 6:5) Stephen was made for more. Even though that’s what the other apostles had handpicked him for. Fast forward, and he’s out there preaching, performing miracles, and basically having a revival wherever he goes. Same with Philip.
I love how one 19th-century missionary put it:
“The multitude chose the seven men to serve tables. Undoubtedly, those men were faithful in their appointed tasks, but we see that God soon had a better plan for two of them—Philip and Stephen. Philip was so full of the Holy Spirit that he could have a revival wherever God put him down (See Acts 8:5-8, 26-40). Man chose him to serve tables, but God chose him to win souls” (Smith Wigglesworth)
So, if you feel like others have “chosen” you for something that doesn’t align with your talents or calling—keep going. There will be people who come into our lives who seek to control our talents.
This happens often with “social norms,” especially in the church. If we’re honest, most women’s ministries host events where women are invited to create a craft, work on a flower bouquet or cook something, but if we’re honest, that isn’t how all woman were created! Some women would rather be out hiking, or using their intellectual minds in deeper discussion. Women are not a one size fits all, as much as the church might like to think that we are.
I have also seen this happen in marriages (more often specifically in abusive marriages). The abusive spouse has a long list of should’s and musts that the other spouse is expected to live up to, leaving little room for individuality. I have seen it happen with parents and their grown children. The parent oversteps how their child raises their own children, or tries to dictate in direct or passive ways what their grown child should be doing with their lives. It happens in churches, it happens in the business world, it happens between friends. I think you get the point. It happens.
But, like Stephen and Philip, God’s plan for you might be bigger and different than what others expect. So, yes, just as they did, start with the humble tasks right in front of you, but prayerfully keep an open spirit for what more God may have for you. God might just be setting you up for something much bigger than you could imagine.
Stop Letting "Shoulds" Define You: Here’s the Truth You Need to Hear
If there’s one thing I want you to take away from this, it’s this: You (and God) know you better than anyone else. No one knows your heart, your talents, and your struggles like you do—except God, of course. And He’s the one who created you with purpose. So stop letting people (even well-meaning people) or societal expectations try to squeeze you into their vision of who you should be.
Our “role” shouldn’t be the only thing that defines us anyway. But so often we let our roles as wives, moms, employees, etc., define us. Here’s the deal: God made you for more than just a title. You’re not just “Mom” or “Wife” or “Nurse” or “Teacher.” Those roles are important, but they don’t make up the whole of who you were created to be.
You’re a person. With your own God-given gifts. And those gifts? They matter.
But let’s be honest. It’s not always easy to let go of other people’s expectations. It can be downright uncomfortable. But if you’re going to live your best, most fulfilling life, you’ve got to shed the “shoulds” and step into who you truly are.
It’s not always going to be easy owning our own story, bumps and all, but I guarantee, in the long run it’s better than trying to live out someone else’s story and running away from your own. Yes, it’s hard. But it’s harder to live someone else’s life, which can honestly be a recipe for burnout.
God’s Already Got a Plan for You
Here’s what you need to know: God created you with a purpose in mind. And it’s not the same as your neighbor’s purpose, your best friend’s purpose, or even your parents. It’s your own.
Psalm 139:14 says, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” God didn’t mess up when He made you. And in Ephesians 2:10, He reminds us that, “We are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Your purpose is already in motion, even if you don’t have all the details yet.
That means your purpose isn’t an accident. God created you with exactly what you need to fulfill His plans for your life. The world will tell you that you need to look a certain way, act a certain way, or achieve certain things to be valued. But God? He values you for who you are, not what you do or how well you fit into someone else’s idea of success or womanly perfection.
The one message that matters? The one that really needs to stick? It’s the one God tells about you.
So What Do I Do Now? Practical Steps for Finding Your True Identity
Now, I know it’s not as easy as reading this post and magically being free from all those “shoulds.” It takes time and intentional effort to stop letting other people define your life. But here’s the good news: you have the power to start today.
Start by getting quiet: It’s hard to hear God’s voice when you’re surrounded by everyone else’s opinions. So start by shutting out the noise. Take a breath. And truly take time aside to get to know what God says about you. Get in His Word, spend time praying, and ask Him: “God, who do you say I am?” He’ll answer. (And if you don’t hear it the first time? Keep asking.)
Believe Him: But don’t just listen—believe Him. Don’t let anyone or anything try to tell you who you are. Sometimes, that means saying “no” to things that sound good on paper but don’t line up with who God made you to be.
Spend time in the Word: The Bible speaks clearly about who you are. The more you dig into it, the more you’ll begin to see yourself the way God sees you. Start with verses like Psalm 139:14 and Ephesians 2:10. They’ll remind you that you were created with purpose.
Say no when it doesn’t align with your purpose: This one’s tough, but it’s necessary. When you’re asked to do something that doesn’t fit with your gifts or your calling, it’s okay to say no. You’re not being selfish. You’re protecting your time, energy, and purpose. It’s okay to say no to some things so that you have time for the best things God has for you.
Surround yourself with the right people: Find people who see you for who you really are, not for who they think you should be. These are the people who will cheer you on and help you get through the tough times.
Also, remember: God sometimes calls us to step outside our comfort zone. So, you may get asked to do something that stretches you a little (Like when I was asked to sing at church for the first time! But after my sweaty-up-front appearance, guess what? I realized I enjoyed singing after all!). If it’s for God’s glory, don’t let fear hold you back—go for it. It could be the thing that unlocks a whole new level of purpose in your journey.
Bottom Line? You’re You, and That’s Enough.
If you’ve been trying to fit into someone else’s mold, it’s time to throw that mold away. God’s got something unique, something just for you, and it’s time you started living in it. There’s joy in stepping into your purpose. There’s freedom in knowing who you are in Christ and letting go of the pressure to be anyone else.
It’s also important to remember that your purpose may shift and look different today than it did in year’s past. That’s okay too! Purpose is not a one time static thing for everyone, for some it may be more like that, but for others, purpose may change and fluidly evolve throughout life. (Remember no cookie cutters here!)
It’s OK to shed the “definitions” that no longer fit you (or maybe never did) and allow God to do the amazing work in you to become exactly who He created you to be.
So, take some time today to sit with God and discover what He has to say about you. Hint: It’s going to be amazing. And remember, there’s no one else in the world quite like you—God has a purpose for you that no one else can fulfill. When you start walking in that, I promise—it will feel so much better than trying to live someone else’s life!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!