Don’t Let Others Define You
Why Knowing Your True Identity Matters
God has given you a very special identity. Your uniquely made not only in the image of God, but also special and separate from every other person on earth. God had (and still does) plans and ideas when He made you, and He will reveal those throughout the course of your lifetime.
He has given you unique and inherent talents and gifts and a special ability to be geared towards learning certain skills that are a match with who He created you to be.
But, sometimes we allow others to step in and take over our futures and the plans God has for us, by trying to insert their plans into our lives.
The Problem with Should
Sometimes other people want to define us. They believe they know what we “should” be doing with our lives, our time, our efforts. Many people throughout my own life have tried to place me into one mold or another, and sadly, in my younger years I allowed them to do so—and did my best to wiggle into what someone else expected of me. But, that left me exhausted. I finally came to realize, I know me best, and I know what is and isn’t the best use of my God-given talents.
Sometimes people believe they know our talents better than we ourselves do. But, that isn’t their job. And, that’s the problem with “should.” Should indicates that we know what is best for someone else, and that isn’t usually true.
You know you better than anyone else. You alone are the best gauge of your God-given talents—and God knows you better than you even know yourself. He knows what He has designed you for and what He wants to use you for.
You know you better than anyone else. You alone are the best gauge of your God-given talents—and God knows you better than you even know yourself.
Take the case of Stephen and Phillip, and a situation that happened to them found in the book of Acts. Do you remember the story? The 12 disciples told the rest of the apostles to find seven men who were “filled with the spirit” to take care of the business of waiting on the widows of the Grecians. Because at the time the Grecians had come to the Hebrews complaining that their widows were not being tended to appropriately. Stephen was such a man! The Bible refers to him as a man “full of faith and the Holy Spirit” (Acts 6:5).
I love how one devotional writer and missionary from the 19th century puts it:
“The multitude chose the seven men to serve tables. Undoubtedly, those men were faithful in their appointed tasks, but we see that God soon had a better plan for two of them—Philip and Stephen. Philip was so full of the Holy Spirit that he could have a revival wherever God put him down (See Acts 8:5-8, 26-40). Man chose him to serve tables, but God chose him to win souls” (Smith Wigglesworth).
Has Man Chosen You to Do Something…
Has “man” chosen you to do something that just isn’t a fit with your talents or spiritual gifts? There will be people who come into our lives who seek to control our efforts. It may be from good intentions—or not so good intentions, but either way, it’s important we not allow the goals of others to trump our own, and especially not God’s purpose and plans for our lives.
This also happens with “social norms,” especially in the church. Most women’s outings or ministries host events where women are invited to create a craft, work on a flower bouquet or get dressed up for tea, but if we’re honest, that isn’t how all woman were created! Some women would rather be out hiking, or using their intellectual minds in some deeper discussion. Women are not a one size fits all, as much as the church might like to think that we are.
I have also seen this happen in marriages (more often specifically in abusive marriages). I have seen it happen with parents and their grown children. The parent oversteps how their child raises their own children, or tries to dictate in direct or passive ways what the child should be doing with their lives. It happens in churches, it happens in the business world, it happens between friends. I think you get the point. It happens.
The wife who hears again and again that she “should” be a whiz in the kitchen, but that isn’t her skill, no matter how much her husband demands that it be. The young man who is told as he grows into adulthood that he is useless unless he earns a certain figure or attains a certain status in his career.
For some of us, we have allowed others (either knowingly or naively) to define who we are. Sometimes this even took place from an early age when we really had no defense against it.
Others of us have allowed our duties to define us. If we are a mom, a wife, a single person, hold a job as a nurse, then we allow these roles to become who we are…mom, wife, singular, working woman. And while all of these roles are important, and some even God-ordained, they still don’t plum the depths of who you were created to be. You are more than just the sum of your responsibilities.
God created you with a purpose in mind, specific to the gifts and talents He placed within you.
The bottom line is, God created you to be unique and special. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139: 14). He created you with a purpose in mind, specific to the gifts and talents He placed within you. His Words says: “For [you] are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for [you] to do” (Ephesians 2:10). Do you hear it? He already has a work designed just for you.
Defining Messages Abound, Only One Matters
The world is also full of messages. It isn’t just people who want to define us. Our culture, every culture for that matter, has a certain amount of this. Machismo matters, women “should” know their place, children “should” be seen and not heard. These subliminal messages abound in the world. But, what does God say? That’s what truly matters.
I’m not going to address the breadth and depth of what God says about you in His Word (not in this post-but stay tuned for a future post where I will), but I want to challenge you.
Take time to sit at the feet of Jesus, like Mary did, and soak in what He has to say about you.
Search His Word to see what He created you for, and pray for your specific purpose. He is faithful and will reveal these things to you as you open your heart to Him. Above all, get to know Him and He will help you get to know yourself, through His eyes.
Once you begin to see who you truly are, don’t let anyone or anything, or any message tell you otherwise. Begin to live out the designs that your Heavenly Father has specifically for you. Don’t be afraid to say no to something that is brought to you that isn’t something you enjoy, are gifted at, or are called to do.
Learning Your Specific Purpose
Now you may still say yes to some things that are outside of your comfort zone. You may enjoy a challenge and God does and will at times use the challenging requests of others to expand our skill sets, especially when it’s for His glory. Recently, I was asked to sing at our new church…and guess what? I finally said yes, and God has used it as a confidence builder and a blessing for me.
There will also be people in your life who “get you.” These are the people who know you well. These friends and family can be assets because they may see in you things you don’t yet see, and can help shed some light on what you might be good at doing.
But, other times a request may simply be a diversion away from your true calling. Pray for wisdom to discern between the two and the tact to be able to kindly decline anything that is not God’s best plan for you!
I’m rooting for you! It’s OK to shed the “definitions” that no longer fit you (or maybe never did) and allow God to do the amazing work in you to become exactly who He created you to be. Trust me when I say, there is great joy in walking out your purpose, and fulfilling your God-appointed destiny!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!