How to Identify Victim Blaming in the Church
How We Can Stop It
Before you read any further, please be aware that some material shared within this article may be triggering if you have experienced domestic violence.
Victim blaming is alive and real in the church today. And I’m certain it grieves the heart of God. The church is also experiencing a surge in domestic violence and abuse inside its doors. Stories of women who are struggling, or worse, don’t survive the abuse happening in their homes behind closed doors are increasing.
One woman whose life was cut short was Corrina. She and her husband were both trying to get their lives in order after years of experiencing struggles. Corrina had turned her heart to the Lord and was finally experiencing freedom from her problems. One evening, she and her husband were attending a Bible study at her sister’s house. During that Bible study Corrina’s husband became enraged and began to stab Corrina. Before anyone could intervene Corrina’s husband had killed her.
When I heard about Corrina I was appalled, shocked, and saddened. I cried for this woman who didn’t survive her husband’s abuse and violence. I shared on my social media page to ask for prayers for her family, especially her 5 children. What I received, shocked me even more.
One woman left a long reply. Her main concern was as she put it, “the way she sees it is that this happens far too often to women who are in second marriages.” Then she shared her advice to women who are experiencing abuse, which started off good. They should get out and never go back to their abuser again—but even more important she stressed in her reply, was that women who have experienced abuse should never remarry after being abused in their first marriage—because she didn’t see that as being biblical and because she was convinced that remarriage was a recipe for entering into a worse relationship than the first. Then she ended with one sentence of how sad it was that this happened at a Bible study. After reading this woman’s reply, I sat stunned.
No mention of praying for Corrina’s innocent children who did nothing to cause this, but now have to live without their mother. No mention of how her heart ached for what this woman went through or the terror she must have felt in her last moments or lived through before.
Her main concern was making sure anyone reading her comment understand that this woman, who the article mentioned was in a second marriage with this man, had made a fatal mistake. I cannot say if the person who left the comment even realized what she had done. My general nature is to want to think the best of others, so I want to believe that she didn’t. But I knew—and it broke my heart. I believe it also breaks God’s heart. She was actively victim blaming. Plain and simple.
The focus was not on the heinous act that this man had committed—a man who had vowed to love this woman no less, but rather on Corrina’s choice to marry a second time.
Victim Blaming is Still Prevalent
As much as I would like to say this comment was isolated, and that Christians are always concerned for the abused, the wounded, the hurting, this isn’t always true. While there are many beautiful Christians who would have prayed for this woman’s family, the real and sad truth is, many did not. In fact, few replied or reacted to the post that shared how Corrina died. Now I understand social media algorithms and it’s quite possible the post only showed to a fraction of its intended audience, but still if I had shared some happy moment or memory I would have easily seen 90-100 comments or reactions.
Domestic violence and abuse make us uncomfortable and we don’t want to have to look at it. If we can keep it “out there,” away from us, or make excuses as to why it happens to a particular type of women, then it allows our world to remain untouched and gives us a sense of safety that it would never happen to us or our loved ones.
So, though I can’t say whether more people saw the story about Corinna, what I can say is this. Corrina was not alone. I have heard countless stories of women whether it be their third or first marriage being victim blamed in communities, in the media, and yes, even inside the church.
It doesn’t matter if the woman is a recovering addict on her second marriage or a woman who is an upstanding member in her church, or even the Pastor’s wife. Women who were raised in Christian homes and married to only one man who they and everyone else believed to be a good and honest Christian man have been duped and abused later on in the marriage—but even these women are not safe from victim blaming.
How Can We as the Church Respond Instead
Victim blaming seems to know no bounds. It asks the question: what did she do to bring on the abuse or why didn’t she leave, instead of asking: how can we help her get to safety and hold her abuser accountable? This begs the larger question why aren’t we placing blame where blame should be placed…on the abuser, not the victim?
I would take that one step further and ask this. Even if a woman has made mistakes in her life how would Christ respond? What was Christ’s first response to the woman caught in adultery? Did he point out to her in her deepest distress, with many ready to stone her, how wrong she was, or did he mercifully show her tenderness and protection? What about the Samaritan woman at the well who said rightly that she had no husband, and the man she lived with at the time of her interaction with Christ was not her husband? What about her?
Yes Jesus showed that He knew of these women’s relationships, but He did so with love in His heart. In the case of the woman caught in adultery, he first looked on her with deep compassion and set her free from her accusers. In the second case, He first began to reveal His divinity to her, inviting her to partake of His living water, before He ever entered into her relationship status. Finally, he called her to a purpose filled life, sending her back to her village as His missionary.
What Jesus modeled to us as the body of Christ is what our first response should look like to those who are suffering. His response was always first compassion and concern for the person.
Common Examples of Victim Blaming
Many Christians don’t even know they’re participating in victim blaming. This article isn’t to make anyone feel guilty, but rather to bring awareness to a very harmful problem that needs to be addressed.
When a woman shares her story, which takes an extreme amount of courage for her, and you ask something like: “Well, have you prayed about it?” Your insinuating that this woman who has likely been pleading with God for many years is not wise enough or strong enough in her own Christian faith to pray about her situation. I want to assure you, she has probably prayed more than most people have ever prayed in their entire life—because her life and sanity have depended on it.
I have also heard well meaning Christians, pastors, and counselors say the following: “I should really hear his side of the story.” What’s being said here is that this is a case of he said, she said. But, it isn’t.
This woman hasn’t had a voice of her own most likely for a very long time. It’s only been his voice that’s been heard.
She is reaching out to tell you a very well kept secret, and if you reply this way…she’s going to feel invalidated or as though you don’t believe her—or worse frightened that you will go to her husband and cause him to become more enraged with her because she shared their dirty secret. If you’ve ever done this, likely you didn’t know better…but if you’re reading this, now you do.
Another common thing that happens when a woman finally shares what’s happening, is that some well meaning soul feels the need to give her a Bible study on how God feels about divorce, and usually a misguided or incomplete Bible study at that. By doing this we are sentencing this woman to a weight of responsibility which is beyond her strength to bear. Divorce is not what causes God’s heart to grieve most in situations like this, His heart is grieved for the victims who are being abused, and the abuse that leads to many divorces and lives lost.
Jesus didn’t stop to give the woman caught in adultery a Bible study on the Ten Commandments. Why? Because He knew that what she needed was His protection and compassion. His main concern was her in that moment.
Time to Check Our Hearts
This is where we as the church have to do a heart check. Is our main concern and focus on what the victim could do better, or how they can submit more, or pray more, or show more respect to their husband? Or is our main concern for the person, the one being harmed and for the children that are often caught in the middle of these situations?
Instead of asking a woman who has been abused what she did to cause her husband to get angry, we need to reframe that to say: “I hear you, I believe you, I am here for you…what can I do to assist you?” Do not make her carry the burden of having to prove to you or anyone else that she is truly being harmed or abused.
It’s quite likely that she has already been told for many years by her abuser that his beatings or verbal assaults were her fault, or came about from something she did to make him upset. She already carries around enough confusion and unfounded guilt, she doesn’t need more. It’s why many women don’t leave their situation or share what’s happening. They wrongly believe they’re at fault for not being a godly enough wife, or praying hard enough, or submitting enough. So to be met with a question like: “did you do something to make him angry” when she finally does share her story could send her back into silence—and into more abuse.
Many “Christian” men who abuse, know their Bibles very well and have already been using it in their arsenal against their wives. They use the Bible to groom the woman to believe that what’s happening is somehow her fault.
He tells her she just needs to forgive and forget no matter how many times he emotionally or physically assaults her, or that she should submit her body at all times, or he is the head of the household so no matter what he does she needs to submit, even if that leaves her and her children feeling unsafe or unheard. When we as the church reinforce these lies, and especially the lie that she could do anything that warrants such abuse, we are keeping women and their children chained to their abuser and God is not pleased.
Abuse is always the responsibility of the perpetrator. I think many people get destructive and abusive marriages confused with marriages that just need some minor assistance to get back on track. The difference in these marriage is miles apart. When we try to apply “routine marital advice,” to a destructive marriage it has devastating consequences.
Normal communication tips and general marriage advice should only be suggested in an otherwise healthy marriage where the couple is dealing with routine issues such as lacking communication skills, they find themselves drifting apart, or are in need of some minor tweaking to get their marriage “back on track.” Unfortunately, in a destructive marriage, if a helper tries to address both partners issues equally, they actually end up sending the victim back into the marriage trying harder and harder (which statistically won’t work), and embolden the abuser to see his abusive behaviors as being on par with any minor issues the victim is exhibiting (which are often a natural response to the abuse she is experiencing).
This is why couples counseling is never recommended for an abusive marriage (learn more reasons why here), until the abuse is dealt with over an extended period of time and there has been a proven pattern of changing prior to starting couples therapy. By addressing abuse over any other issues, we are not condoning anything that the victim may also be doing (we all know no human being is perfect), but what we are doing is sending a clear message that abuse is unacceptable.
This is where the churches focus needs to shift to protection for the abused, and holding the one committing the abuse accountable. If we don’t, we will continue to loose more and more women and children who no longer trust that the church is a safe haven for them. I have seen far too many women turned away from the church after experiencing victim blaming or being invalidated regarding their very real and very painful experiences.
I have also seen far too many abusers given a “pass” or quickly redeemed back into the fold, even back into ministry, only to repeat their patterns with their current spouse or with a future spouse. Patterns of abuse do not stop unless there is a true intervention and I believe the church can and should be a part of this.
It’s time that we shift our responses and keep in mind that when a woman comes to us for help, it took everything within her to seek that help. It’s our role, as Christ modeled, to keep her story safe and to protect her and her children. It’s time for our first response to be “how can I help you.”
If you’re a pastor, missionary, elder, or a church member who is interested in learning how you can better help survivors of domestic violence and abuse…Click Below:
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!