Youth in ALL Churches are Leaving for Greener Pastures
Why our Youth are Exiting our Churches…and What we as Parents Can Do About It.
As someone who has spent years in missions and church planting I can’t help but notice trends in the church. It weighs heavy on my heart at times, especially when it concerns our young people. As a parent of a teen whose future remains yet to be settled, I pray often for these trends and my concerns.
One trend I can’t help but notice, and you probably have to, is how many youth grow up and leave the church, even the ones whose parents seemed to have done everything they could to ground them in the faith. This is what I want to chat about for a moment—what is causing our young people to leave the church?
But, before I go any further, I want to acknowledge right from the start, that there are some very real and serious reasons youth are leaving, such as being sexually harmed, bullied, belittled, and abused inside the church. This post does not address these issues, not because they aren’t of great concern, but because I’ll address them in a future post.
The Beginning of the Exodus
According to one article I found it said: "The statistics are jaw-droppingly horrific. 70% of youth stop attending church and start leaving when they graduate from high school. Nearly a decade later, about half return to church. Half. Let that sink in"(1). After searching Barna research and a few other sites, that figure could be higher or lower, depending on the age and angle of the study...but it gives a relatively close picture of what's going on...and it isn't positive (2,3,4). The numbers are somewhat debatable among different sources--but Christ left the 99 for the 1, so even 1 seems like reason enough to at least pause to figure out why.
I found the reasons interesting cited in many articles as to why our youth are leaving, which include: hypocrisy and feeling judged inside the church, the church feels "shallow" to them, pastors or leaders have wounded them, or they didn't feel connected to the church: which is further shown in the research when it shows that large numbers quit attending because they experienced a shift in life: move, started college etc.--but church was not meaningful enough for them to survive the shift.
But, I believe it’s more nuanced even than these things. Thankfully though, it’s not so nuanced, that we can’t at least get a glimpse into some of the reasons. So, first, let’s talk about the “great divide” in our churches. We all know it’s there but some don’t talk about it, and for others, it’s all they can talk about.
Conservatives versus liberals, and I’m not talking politics, sadly, I’m referring to the bride of Christ—the church.
Two Sides of the Same Coin
“Conservative” parents wonder why their children are leaving the church. “Liberal” parents wonder why their children are leaving the church. It turns out that the two sides have more in common than they think.
I believe there are reasons on both sides why our youth are leaving, and it isn’t solely because “what’s out there,” that is drawing them away. Not completely anyway.
I believe it has more to do with what’s inside. Inside our hearts as parents, and inside our churches.
First, before I go any further I need to clarify a few things, because if I don’t, this will read like I am stereotyping two sides of the church. I am aiming not to do this, so please bear with me for this brief break to clarify the terms I’ll be using from here on.
I have never liked the labels: conservative or liberal. I don’t like it in politics and I especially dislike it when referring to those within the church. I deeply dislike stereotypes in general. But it’s where we as a society have landed (long ago and it hasn’t changed). It’s how we as a society have chosen to categorize things, so that we speak a somewhat unified language (although this is more often than not damaging).
However, in my view, our stereotypes never help to unify one side to the other—they only serve to polarize the two sides and severe any possible future connections. But for purposes of this article, I’ll use these labels because it’s what we all know and to some degree “understand.”
So when I say liberal Christianity I’ll be referring to the segment of Christianity that the conservative side sees as being “too worldly,” “not holy enough,” “too permissive in their music, their clothing, and their choices.” They see this group as only focusing on grace and forgetting about obedience and the law of God. And when I refer to conservative Christianity, also known as fundamentalists, I’ll be referring to the segment of the church that the liberal side views as: “holier than thou,” “legalistic,” “striving to be perfect while hurting others with their methods and means,” the side whose music is “traditional,” their choices and voices “fundamental and strong,” and their clothing “extreme.” They see this group as only focusing on obedience and the law of God and forgetting about the grace and mercy of God.
Now, let me say my goal is not to further deepen the ruts on each side, nor to offend either side (though I apologize if this post does one or both). But I still feel these descriptions are needed to explain how each side often views the other (though I think many Christians are already highly aware of this) for the latter part of this article to resonate. In fact, I don’t view either the “conservative” or “liberal” factions in the church in the ways I just described (and I know their are others who don’t either), and I’ll explain.
United in More Ways Than One
I see the two opposing sides a bit more like this: the “liberal” side, I find are usually precious souls who have had some rough encounters, either out in the world or inside the walls of the church. They are honest-hearted people who are simply seeking a Savior who will comfort their restless souls and heal their deepest wounds. This is meaningful and good, this is exactly what Christ came to do. What better source to find healing than from the Master Healer. I deeply identify with this.
There are also some in this group who recoil at the thought of the hypocrisy they’ve witnessed from the “conservative” side of Christianity (Christ also recoiled at hypocrisy, so they’re in good company here), because for this group, it’s what inflicted some of those deep wounds. Unfortunately though, if these wounds aren’t healed, this can lead to a thread of bitterness and apathy. That’s the back lash that happens when hypocrisy wounds. It’s a natural reaction, but not one that God doesn’t have the remedy for, if we stay open for His healing.
Now ironically, I see the conservative side with much the same lens. They too have been wounded, but swung in the other direction. The pendulum always has two sides. I often think how unifying it could be if both sides could sit at the foot of the cross together seeking healing and reconciliation, with both the truth and love in God’s word as their guide. This side longs to please God, they desire to do what they see in the Bible and to do with all their might. There is value in their desires. I also deeply identify with this.
They strive to dress as they believe God would want them to, to listen, watch, and eat only what they feel God would approve of. Again, all wonderful things. I believe this side also wants the love of Christ and to share that love with others. But then there are some on this side, that allow their zeal to overshadow their love. Where the trouble enters in is when a conservative Christian only focuses on their obedience and these “things” turn into works in an effort to earn salvation. Now we have a problem. This isn’t the Gospel.
I also can see that there is a group mingling among both of these groups that are a people simply and wholly in love with their Savior, who desire to do what’s right in love and truth, and who don’t classify themselves as either conservative or liberal.
They wouldn’t push or force their beliefs on anyone, because they know God doesn’t force. They are simply striving to live as Christ lived, and this naturally produces a life so fragrant and full of Christ that He flows through them and they become a witness of His goodness, mercy, and right judgement. They somehow blend justice and mercy in an attractive way that lead others to want to know their Savior. This is where I desire to be—and stay, though admittedly, I am definitely a work in progress, as we all are.
In Both Camps
So I share those divided titles and a bit of explanation of how I’m using them to share this. Our children are in both camps: the liberal and the conservative. As parents, we are in both camps.
But what we have in common, I’m certain, is our desire to connect our young people’s hearts to God’s heart, even if our methods are different.
So, I hope you’ll read on, because I believe there is some insight below that can help you and I, no matter which camp we most closely identify with.
For parents who fear the “liberal” side of Christianity and the influence it could have on your children, or fear your child could leave the church all together…if you want to know what creates “liberalism” in the church, and what causes many of our youth to leave the church, here it is. Introduce a child to legalism. Turn minors into majors. Busy yourself straining out a gnat while you overlook the weightier matters (Matthew 23:24) Force a child to uphold a level of obedience and standards that no one could ever fully live up to, then add performance, and demand perfection, and you have the perfect mix to send these children into the world prepared to be anything but…what you desperately hoped they would be.
Force, coercion, anger, suppression, and dominance in enforcing your beliefs and values are a sure fire way to repel your young person. They may accept it when they’re a child, they may even seem compliant, maybe even like the perfect angel who could do no wrong—but wait until they begin to grow up and gain their own voice. The end outcomes of force are never good, and never produce the fruit that God desires to grow in your home. If this goes further and spiritual abuse is added to the list above and left unaddressed, you can be certain that your teenager or young adult will want nothing to do with your religion.
Spiritual Abuse
Now, please hear me, because many of you who read this blog, are in homes or coming out of homes where there is abuse, especially spiritual abuse. Just because these things can turn a young person away from the church and their faith, it does not mean there isn’t hope.
There is ALWAYS hope with God. Prayer is powerful, and change in your own life can bring about miracles in the lives of your children.
Even if you have a spouse that is doing all these things and more, your influence can be the difference. If you’re in a marriage where your spouse is spiritually, emotionally, or physically abusive, learning to set healthy boundaries or separating from the abuse, while keeping close to God personally, also speaks volumes to your children. Your centered and Christ like influence can draw them back into a right and real relationship with their Heavenly Father. Never underestimate your influence.
Now let’s talk about the parents who fall into the liberal camp for a moment. I believe there is a different trap that these parents could fall into. The trap here is to make your home and the church absolutely no different than the world outside. Don’t make anything about your life or your church different and fragrant and attractive (in Christ’s eyes, not the world’s eyes), and you have a recipe to have your young person drift right back out the doors of the church once they’re able. Don’t use the Bible for fear of being legalistic and teach them instead with just worldly stories and anecdotes. This isn’t giving them the meat they need to begin forming a desire to stay and grow—their faith muscles will atrophy and they won’t feel a sense of real purpose in staying in the church.
If you do these things, the church will hold nothing to sustain them, to keep them, or to woo them into a loving and abiding relationship with Jesus. You can have all the entertainment and programs you want, but if Christ isn’t the true center and message, then it won’t stick in the hearts of the youth.
On Both Sides of the Fence
I also believe no matter which side of the fence we land on, if we continually talk about others inside the church, gossip, exhibit jealously, or demonstrate an inability to get along with other Christians, this too will influence our young people with the message that if mom and dad can’t get along in the church then why should I bother.
Church is an outflow of our relationship with God. He desires to knit us together in fellowship to strengthen us.
But, if we treat church like it’s a one time event once a year, or the place we go only on special holidays, we can’t expect our youth will see it as being more valuable than we do.
Now, if you’re in a church that is toxic or harmful to you or your children, my advice would be to find another church, and the sooner the better. God is clear: anyone who causes one of His little ones to stumble…woe unto them (Matthew 18:6). So he doesn’t expect you to grin and bear it at a church that’s destructive or abusive to you or your children’s faith. I’m certain His call would be to leave and prayerfully consider where He would want you to attend.
The other ditch that I’ve seen many Christians fall into is continually talking about the evils “out there,” in the world. I’ve even seen some Christians become frighteningly aggressive in regard to their Christian political stance, their ethical concerns, or their moral leanings—all in the name of God.
Yes, we need to inform our children of right and wrong and the evils that exist in the world so they too can be aware, but we shouldn’t be so hyper-focused on the wrongs “out there” to the point that all joy would be removed in our daily living and our children learn to live in fear of the world around them.
The Bible clearly tells us that God made everything we see and it was good (Genesis 1:31, Proverbs 16:4, Colossians 1:16). Yes, today’s world has been marred by sin, even perverted, yet God still calls us to give thanks in all things and tells us that He came so that we may have life and joy abundantly (1 Thessalonians 5:18, John 10:10, Romans 15:13). There has to be a balance in how we present these things to our children.
Keys to Helping Our Youth Stay in the Faith
So, with all that said: what is the key to helping our young people want to stay in the faith? I believe it’s us. I apologize if this seems overly simplified (yet often difficult to live out), but I find solutions that are complicated and too high to grasp are often bypassed. Simple solutions lead to real results.
Maybe you’ve fallen into some of the traps I’ve mentioned above. If this is you, it’s never too late. Do the work to allow God to begin to change you. Pray and seek His guidance on how to truly show your children the love of Christ in humble, open, and honest ways—and to help protect them from harm that is very real inside our churches as well. Remember, when we know better, we do better. And as you change, apologize as God reveals to you where you may have wounded your child. Let them know your intentions and your heart. Let them in. Don’t minimize or dismiss your bad behavior, you wouldn’t want them to do that when they do wrong. Be the example.
Can you imagine how different the book of Acts would be if Paul had minimized his actions during his life as Saul? Would the Gospel have been able to spread with the feravancy it did if Paul had denied or dismissed God’s call to change?
And I would add to those inside our churches who may be reading this, but don’t have children of your own—this advice applies to you also. Sometimes it isn’t us as parents who are driving our children out the doors of the church, sometimes (I think just as equally), it’s others who don’t have a sensitivity to our youth. Instead of seeing the children and young people in your church as foreign and unable to be reached or communicated with, pray for them. Seek ways to lovingly engage them. I can remember several instances when my son was growing up, where he was treated as though he was just “in the way,” and how badly this deflated him. Then I can remember times where he was truly seen and valued by the adults around him, and it was inspiring to him and gave him a desire to want to be present at church.
Allow “spaces” that need to be filled by the young people in your church. Better yet, mentor them and help them step into roles that are age appropriate and that will disciple them to become the next missionary, pastor, or ministry leader.
Young people need purpose. I sure did when I was a teenager. Without purpose inside the church, they often dive deep into the world seeking for their purpose. Children are no different than adults, we all need to know that we can offer something of value that is needed.
The bottom line is our hearts as both parents and fellow church members need to be knit so tightly to God in both truth and love, justice and mercy, that our lives show something different to our youth. Not different in a way that’s a stench to the world or a spectacle, but different in a way that’s beautiful and attractive, like nothing the world could ever offer them. Once our hearts shift, and change into His image and likeness, all of our churches will begin to change, and if that were to happen, I believe our youth would not only long to stay, but may even become eager to share what they’ve found with other young people and to invite them into our churches as well. What a revival that would be!
https://churchleaders.com/youth/166129-marc-solas-10-surprising-reasons-our-kids-leave-church.html/2
https://www.barna.com/research/six-reasons-young-christians-leave-church/
https://www.tennessean.com/story/news/religion/2019/01/15/lifeway-research-survey-says-young-adults-dropping-out-church/2550997002/
https://research.lifeway.com/2019/01/15/most-teenagers-drop-out-of-church-as-young-adults/
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining me for the first time, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. I’m also a missionary at heart, who believes in tackling the hard stuff of life through a biblical lens, in order to help people work through spiritual abuse and church hurt while rebuilding a relationship with God. On the blog you’ll find more ways to get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, so you can start to live like an overcomer.