Are Christians Choosing Who Deserves the Casseroles, Cards, and Care?
This article is not an easy one to write. In fact, I’ve been slow to collect my thoughts on what I’m about to share, because I know it’s more nuanced than I can cover in 1500 words or less—but it can’t be ignored either. It’s something that’s been simmering in my soul for a very long time. This morning I was reading an article in a magazine that brought it back to my mind again.
For those of you who don’t know me (or know me well), I have homeschooled our son since he was in kindergarten. It’s been a pretty big part of our life. The article I read was about another family who homeschooled their children, from a magazine that’s put out by a Christian homeschooling organization. The family in the article had been homeschooling their kiddos for over 25 years—so it was a big part of their life also.
The article shared how this family had recently experienced a house fire which burned 85% of their home and they lost all of the homeschooling books and materials for their five children. To say that their lives (in many ways) were in upheaval would be an understatement. They had to leave their home, the insurance didn’t cover near the amount of damage that was done, and eventually the house had to be torn down and rebuilt. The whole family had to move out while building codes and delays forced them into a rental house until theirs could be rebuilt.
God’s People Rallied to Help
The homeschooling organization that sends out the magazine had written an update about the family to let supporters know that enough donations had come in to help replace all of the children’s books. It was really quite touching to read how this community of other faith based homeschooling families rallied to help in a time of need. The mom was quoted in the article as saying this: “We have shared over and over about the generosity of others and how they helped to meet our need. God’s people have been a light in a hard time, and we are eternally grateful.”
It’s heart warming to read stories like this one. There’s a family in trouble and “God’s people” rally to help. That’s how it should always be, right? I believe so. But, the problem is, it doesn’t go this way all the time.
Let me explain. Years ago, I remember reading another article about casseroles. I can’t remember all the exact details from the article, but I do remember the casseroles! You may be thinking what—casseroles! Did she just loose her train of thought? No, I haven’t, I promise—just stay with me for a moment.
Casseroles for the Hurting
This article was written by a woman who had been recently divorced. At the same time that she was going through a gut wrenching, painful divorce that left her shattered and feeling broken, a friend of hers lost her husband when he passed away after a long battle with illness. Both women were Christians and both were active members in their church.
Both women were facing what they would do without the financial, emotional, and physical support of their spouses. Both women were also facing what they would do about their current living situation (much like the family mentioned above after the fire). Both women were deeply grieving their loss.
One woman got sympathy cards and casseroles showing up at her home to help ease her through the pain and grief of loosing her husband, the other one did not. One woman’s loss was openly acknowledged and she found support in the arms of “the church,” the other woman did not. One woman was added to the prayer chain at church, one woman was not.
I’m wondering if by now you can guess which woman felt the love and support of the church and her fellow Christians and which one did not? If you guessed the woman going through the divorce as the one who did not, you would be correct.
The absence of casseroles to ease the burden of cooking during a time of grief and loss may not seem like a big deal, but it is. Casseroles, sympathy cards, a caring phone call, or a hug are like a balm of healing to a hurting soul.
They speak something into that dark place of loss, especially the loss of the one person closest to you, the who was your “person.” They say the words: “you’re not alone in this,” sometimes louder than those words alone could ever speak. We as the body of Christ are great at giving this message to the recently widowed man or woman, or to the family who lost their home to a fire or their son to a car accident…but what about to the woman (and her children) who lost her “closest person,” to divorce, adultery, abuse, or violence?
Are We “Choosing” Who We Support?
What do we speak into the lives of the thousands upon thousands of women and children who are without a husband and father through no fault of their own, but because their “person” chose to abandon them, or abuse them, or chose another woman and family over them?
Do we lovingly bring them casseroles, cards of true sympathy, or offer deep understanding for their hurt and pain? In many ways, I wish I didn’t know the answer to this, but I do. After living through years of separation due to abuse, and since that time working with countless other women who are also going through similar things….the answer is no. Sadly, casseroles, cards, and care are not the norm.
Overwhelmingly, I’m sad to say, this is not the pattern I’ve witnessed for these women and children. I’ve even seen the exact opposite. I’v heard far too many stories of women finally seeking help for their deeply abusive marriages or seeking to separate or needing to divorce for their safety, and the church does not comfort or help them, but rather, openly admonishes them. I’ve even heard quite a few very sad stories where women have been asked to leave their church, while their abusive spouse continues to serve or attend the church.
Think about that for a moment. Now, not only has the church not offered or extended the hand of Christ to the marginalized and wounded, but it has added more pain and suffering to the mix. It has taken away what is often that woman’s (and her children’s) only support network.
A Wound That Leaves Marks
In my situation, the church, which I had served from within as a missionary for the better part of a decade, became the place I felt most alone. Fellow church members who had always supported and been there for our family amid our many moves to various mission fields suddenly “dried up.” Though God never did. In fact, His continued support, care, and feeding us when even putting food on the table was tough, was life saving during that time. I’m forever grateful that God replaced what we had lost, and brought new friends into our lives who loved on us and helped us in our healing journey.
But, much like the throngs of other families who’ve experienced what we went through, we never received a casserole either. God was always there for us during those dark times, but “God’s people”—all but disappeared.
I don’t share this from a place of resentment, I am long past those feelings (though I’ll be honest, I had them for a time). I share this because someone needs to, so that we, the church (myself included) will wake up.
I won’t lie though, those feelings of being “rejected” by others while already experiencing the life altering rejection and loss of a spouse who was supposed to be our “closest person” was hard—super hard. I’m thankful God worked with me to deeply heal (and continue to heal) those wounds in my heart. However, for many other women, their wounds are still gaping. In fact, I know many who have left their church in search of other more supportive churches, and others who have left the faith all together. Maybe the most deeply frustrating to me, is the devastation I’ve seen it cause for young people. I’ve seen many children from these homes want nothing to do with church after seeing their mothers ostracized and/or neglected (among many other reasons I talk about here). It’s painful to see how our “Christian neglect” plays out in the lives of the most vulnerable among our pews.
Hope for the Neglected, Abused, and Abandoned
It’s hard to imagine if you haven’t lived it. But, imagine the man who you committed your life to and who was supposed to love and cherish you—abandons you. Now, as you turn to the one safe place (or so you’re taught to believe it’s safe), the only other place you may have to go, and you’re turned away. Would Christ do this—would He turn women and children away by His neglect?
If you’re reading this and you are the woman going through a divorce, or abuse in your marriage, or separation, or honestly, any other type of “unrecognized” loss in your life, I want you to know I see you. I understand how lonely it can feel. I know it doesn’t feel fair that God’s love flowing through others is seemingly “reserved” for certain losses. But, please don’t equate what others do or don’t do to how God feels about you and what He will do for you if you cling to Him during this hard time.
He will be your ever present help, because He promises to be, and His promises never fail (Psalm 46:1). I would also encourage you, if you’re not receiving support at your current church, it is OK to look for a place that can support you and your children. You need this, it will be extremely helpful in your healing journey. Don’t allow loyalty or even shame or guilt to hold you back from doing what’s best for yourself and those you love. You don’t have to stay anywhere that doesn’t uplift, encourage, and support you through your time of loss.
We the Church Can Do Better When We Know Better
And, if you’re reading this, and you’re the one who didn’t offer that casserole, I hope something here touched your heart. I’m sure you didn’t withhold your support out of malice (or I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t). Maybe you simply didn’t know what to do when the woman at church shared with you that her spouse left her for another woman, or when she finally revealed to you that her husband had been berating, abusing, and controlling her to the point she didn’t even feel like going on.
Just because we bear the name of Christian, doesn’t mean we automatically know how to handle the big life altering things that can challenge us to our core. In fact, I’m certain, many in the church don’t! I’m also certain I too have my own “blind spots.” I want to encourage you though, if you’re reading this, now you know how being neglected during a major loss can feel from the “other side.” And, now you know that a casserole, a card, or a hug would never be turned down! And when we know better, we can (and should) do better.
I’m praying that “we” as the church will do better, that we will support and care for not only a family affected by a house fire, or the woman who has lost her spouse through illness, but also for the many among us whose losses might seem messier or less defined to us. Because I promise you, these families need to see our love in action just as much!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining me for the first time, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. I’m also a missionary at heart, who believes in tackling the hard stuff of life through a biblical lens, in order to help people work through spiritual abuse and church hurt while rebuilding a relationship with God. On the blog you’ll find more ways to get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, so you can start to live like an overcomer.