Are You Experiencing Church Hurt?
Are you Confused About What to Do About It?
There’s a mentality that seems prevalent in some Christian circles, that it’s wrong to leave places and spaces where someone is being actively and repeatedly harmed. I hear this line of thinking often. It basically declares that a wounded person just needs to “move on,” or to “forgive and forget.” That God surely wouldn’t want someone to leave the church they’re attending—even though they’re being actively harmed. Sometimes it’s not said overtly, but rather in hushed tones or in the form of prayer requests. And, the way it’s shared insinuates that the wounded person has somehow become “wayward,” for not wanting to continue fellowshipping with the “group.” It overlooks the wound or the hurt that the person received and places the focus on how they respond to it instead. No accountability is discussed, and often neither are apologies. It has a kind of “if you’re not with us you’re against us” feel to it.
Listen dear friend. This line of thinking is incorrect.
It does not make us a better or stronger Christians to allow other people’s sins against us to flourish. While we are commanded to “bear one another’s burdens” — we are not commanded to bear their sins (Galatians 6:2-5). Just so we’re on the same page, what the Bible is referring to in this verse is a burden. And a burden is a big load that’s too heavy to carry alone, such as a heartfelt loss, a struggle, or a pain—not a grievous and repeated pattern of sin.
I’ve also seen many people in the church holding positions and doing everything at their little congregation, who sincerely need a “break.” Maybe it isn’t huge glaring sins that are wearing them down, but rather general dysfunction within the church. But they refuse to take that much needed break, and they stay and stay. Because they’ve also been told, or given the “unspoken” message that staying is always the right thing, and they end up burning out and embittered.
God never called you to stay in a church (or a family or a community organization or any other place for that matter) where the system itself is detrimentally unhealthy or chronically dysfunctional and harming you or your children.
Now yes, there may come a time when we suffer harm for the cause of Christ, or we’re placed in prison for our faith, but for the purposes of this article, this isn’t what I’m referring to.
What I am referring to is when there’s a pattern of chronic or destructive abuse of power in your church, such as: sexual predatory behaviors, leadership or a community that is not protective of the wounded and abused among the congregation, or leadership that’s actively abusing their own families or even others within the congregation (among other things). And since I used the phrasing “patterns of repeated behaviors”—let me be clear. I believe that ONE time is reason enough to leave a church for some (maybe even many) of the sins mentioned above. But, the overall point I’m trying to make is this. All of these things (and others not listed) can be extremely detrimental to your spiritual and emotional well being.
If you’re reading this and you find yourself in one of the above situations, I want you to know—there is hope.
In some cases you may be able to leave your church while you care for your own health and healing and reconnect later on, but other times it may never be safe to reconnect depending on your reasons for leaving. Only you can be the judge of that— hopefully, through much prayer. Others shouldn’t determine this for you.
You Have Options
Please don’t let any church or church member guilt you into believing that they are the ONLY place you can worship. God has raised many churches. This could seem daunting if you’re in an area where your church is the only one in your denomination for quite some distance. I know it might not be the easiest, but if this is your situation, you may have to travel to find healthy fellowship. While this may or may not be possible for you—take heart if it isn’t, because there are certainly other options as well.
You’re not alone if you’re in this valley of decision as to whether you should stay or go. My family and I have also faced it, and have driven over 1.5 hours one way to get to a healthier church while living in the states. While living in South America when the main church closed due to massive shutdowns around the world, we walked 7 miles to get to the one church that remained open.
But, please hear me, I don’t share those instances to further guilt you, I share them to give you hope that you don’t necessarily have to give up attending church all together. Because, maybe there’s a church you haven’t considered due to distance, that just might be an option in light of harmful circumstances. It could even turn out be a temporary move until either the church gets healthier (which sometimes happens and other times unfortunately it doesn’t) or you find a more suitable solution.
As already mentioned, there are also other options as well. You could attend a house church or even start one. Beyond that, if you really need space and healing but desire to stay connected in a faith community, you could also attend an online interactive service or watch services online. Whatever you choose, if it’s possible, I would encourage you to try to stay connected somewhere—just be sure that it’s somewhere nurturing and healing.
God Created Us for Fellowship
I personally believe with all my heart, that God does desire for us to fellowship with like minded believers. Because when it’s a loving, spirit and truth filled environment, it strengthens us. It can even strengthen us when those around us just simply “bother” us or we have differences of opinion. These kinds of challenges can actually sharpen our faith and our walk with God. These things are good for us and teach us how to love one another despite minor challenges, and help us to practice forbearance and patience!
But when we find ourselves surrounded by deeply harmful behavioral (or systematic) patterns occurring in a church, it won’t benefit us or our children to stay steeped in turmoil. It can even prove harmful long term to our (or their) walk with God.
In fact, I’ve seen deep dysfunction push whole families completely out of the church—and they never returned to any church. I’ve worked and ministered to far too many people that this has happened to, to deny that it’s a reality.
The hard truth is: church hurt is real. Child molestation exists, even in the church. Pastors abuse wives, deacons struggle with adultery—pornography, women are disfellowshipped for trying to get to safety from an abusive spouse. Young people are made to feel continually unwelcome or shamed because they don’t adhere to certain standards. And this is the very shortened version of the deeply damaging wrongs that happen in churches—every.single.day.
God Does Not Create nor Condone Dysfunction
That’s why I’m sharing this now. Not to encourage a mass exodus from churches, absolutely not! I’m not a dissenter or a rabble rouser (I promise). I’m a realist, though I didn’t used to be. But, working among people who have experienced all of the things I just mentioned, and so much more, has left me with a heavy dose of reality.
I’m also a missionary at heart, who longs to see more people in our churches—but not because they’re guilted into being there, while their souls are being destroyed. I long to see healthy, thriving churches, where the people inside truly love and help one another—and are part of the solution instead of the problem.
So I’m sharing this article instead, to encourage those who are already a part of the exodus that’s happening. This article is for you. You don’t have to leave the church all together, if you don’t want to. There is hope. Healing is possible.
I’m praying for you, because I’ve seen many hurting souls that have been hurt inside the church, walk away from God all together. They equate those who have deeply hurt them with how God’s character must be. But, I promise, God and those who have hurt you do not hold the same character. God didn’t cause your hurt, nor does He condone it. In fact, He hurts when you hurt, and one day He will make all things right, whether that’s in this life or the next. You can be assured of this, because He promises (Deuteronomy 32:35).
Unfortunately, because the church at large proclaims very loudly that “the people,” are the church (which of course is biblical-2 Corinthians 6:16, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20), then when “those same people” end up hurting you—it’s easy to see how that could deter your heart from wanting anything to do with “church—the people.” But, I want to encourage you that there are still honest hearted, truth-filled and loving Christians out there. The sins of some don’t have to equate to the behavior or tendencies of all.
I can’t explain why your pain happened, but I do know that there is a very real adversary. And he knows the address of the church too. He loves it when someone gets deeply hurt inside the church—and is a master at using “people” to cause that hurt. While, I’m sure that doesn’t soothe the ache, I hope at least, it can help direct the blame where it belongs.
People who choose to abuse, wound, harm, or otherwise tarnish God’s name and character, are not following God, but rather have chosen to follow the one who is at odds with God. God longs to help us heal from the wounds we’ve experienced or are experiencing. And often part of the path to that healing is a much needed break from those who have or who are currently hurting us or our children.
I share all of the above to say this. Dear friend, if you’re sensing the Holy Spirit nudging you to find another church, I want to encourage you that it’s OK to consider that as an option. It doesn’t make you a bad or “wayward” Christian to make a change for your own emotional well being or especially for your safety. If God’s calling you to start fresh somewhere else, don’t allow any man or woman’s voice to replace God’s voice.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
It’s ok to leave (or take a break from) a church for your (or your children’s) safety and for your spiritual and emotional well being. God will never fault you for seeking a place where you and your family can grow closer to Him AND others in true loving and nurturing fellowship!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah, if you’re joining me for the first time, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. I’m also a missionary at heart, who believes in tackling the hard stuff of life through a biblical lens, in order to help people work through spiritual abuse and church hurt while rebuilding a relationship with God. On the blog you’ll find more ways to get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, so you can start to live like an overcomer.