Should We Stay Silent When We Know A Spiritual Leader is Hurting Others?
There’s a debate that has been silently simmering among Christians for quite a while. But, it seems to stay somewhat “under wraps,” and resurfaces only when a new “wave of wrongs” makes its way into public awareness.
I should start this article by saying that in full disclosure I’m in favor of getting things “out into the open.” Because when we leave things that are harmful to linger just beneath our “collective surface,” it creates more dysfunction. I also believe, and this is just as important in my view, that this should be done with tact and care, always with the goal of redeeming every lost soul.
I should also mention, that I don’t believe that “outing” is the solution for every situation, but for some situations, I believe it’s the only way.
What To Do When Our Leaders Fall
So what am I talking about? Well, I’m talking about this: what do we do when our leaders in the faith fall.
In recent years, many pastors, leaders, and evangelists have been “outed” for their secret sins. As a result, Christians across every.single.denomination have struggled to know how to handle it. How would God want us to respond when our local or national leaders that we’ve looked up to take a fall—sometimes a big fall.
A pastor is outed for his pornography addiction, an elder’s wife comes out that she has been abused for years behind closed doors. An evangelist has a sorted history of adulterous affairs that comes to light. What do we do?
In these cases, I personally believe we take action. We don’t sit silently by while men (or women) are sinning grievously and continue to put them on pedestals or platforms where they have access to hurt many more people.
I’ve had several instances over the last decade, where I became aware that a pastor, an elder, or a fellow missionary was abusing their wife at home, then trying to “lead” others at their local church. For a time, this was my story, until I found safety. So, I know quite well what’s it’s like to be on the “other side” of the debate.
For me, the right course of action was to go to those in charge and voice my concerns. Each time I did, sadly, my “voice” was dismissed. So I took action. I voiced my concerns with my feet. After what I had lived through I knew that keeping my son and I in any place that wasn’t safe was not an option for us. So, we left. (If you find yourself in this place, this article may be helpful for you: click here.)
But, as I took these steps, I noticed that those around me struggled with what they should do. Should they also stand up against wrong, especially since they felt the wrong wasn’t against the congregation (or them personally) but it was a “private sin?”
Is Abuse at Home or Behind Closed Doors a Private Sin?
This is the thinking I’ve heard over and over again, I have even thought it myself in times past. But, let me pose a question here. Are adultery, abuse, pornography, or hidden addictions truly private sins? Well, I would answer that this way, especially in the scope of our discussion here: if a trusted public figure is doing these things and speaking out against them in public, how can this be a private matter?
So I should pause here for a moment for another full disclosure. I’ve not personally encountered many leaders who were using pornography (or committing adultery or abusing their wife, or abusing children) who preached specifically against pornography (adultery, spousal or child abuse) in the public realm. Often the leaders I knew were quite skilled at skirting the very issues they were struggling with.
However, I can think of a few examples where this occurred—so it could go either way. But, here’s the most important thing. God speaks very loudly against these “hidden sins” in His Word. And isn’t God the leader of our overseers in the faith?
Wouldn’t He consider it a grave sin for those who hold offices in His church to be doing the very things that He tells us (them included) not to do? The things that grieve His heart?
I believe so. God cares deeply about the lives and especially the hidden sins of those in spiritual leadership.
Isaiah 3:12 gives us glimpse into the heart of God: “My people, your guides lead you astray; they turn you from the path.” And then in Isaiah 3: 14-15 it says this: “The Lord enters into judgment against the elders and leaders of his people: 'It is you who have ruined my vineyard; the plunder from the poor is in your houses. What do you mean by crushing my people and grinding the faces of the poor?’ declares the Lord, the Lord Almighty.”
Another very concerning thing the Bible tells us is this. If a man does not follow God, especially a leader (in his home or in the church), God will NOT hear his prayers. Listen to what God says about a man who willingly stays steeped in his sin:
“The Lord is far from the wicked, but He hears the prayer of the righteous.” Proverbs 15:29
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7 (my emphasis included).
So, How Does God Feel About Unrepentant Leaders
In Malachi, we see a picture of what happens to men who are abusing and harming their wives in their “own” homes, while trying to shepherd others in public—at church, or in their ministry.
Malachi 2:12-14 says this: “As for the man who does this [leaves his wife for another woman], whoever he may be, may the Lord remove him…—even though he brings an offering to the Lord Almighty.
Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because [God] no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.”
Then in verse 15 it goes on to say “Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.”
Did you hear all of that? God takes adultery and treachery in marriage very serious! He won’t even listen to the man who does these things, in fact, God says the man who harms his wife: “wearies the Lord with his words” (Malachi 2:17).
How can we trust a pastor, an elder, a missionary, or man in leadership who is doing these things at home? Because, the Bible tells us that God isn’t even listening to them anymore due to their actions! We can’t even expect that their prayers will be heard for our congregations.
How Does God Feel About Repentant Leaders
I know, by now someone is reading this and thinking…but what about David? Didn’t he commit adultery with Bathsheba (by force even)? And didn’t God hear David’s prayers afterwards, even call Him “a man after God’s own heart” in Acts 13:22?
Yes, you’re absolutely right. But, here’s the difference. Once Nathan the prophet came to enlighten David about his sins and how grievous his sins were to the heart of God (read: 2 Samuel chapter 12), David’s very next words were: “I have sinned against the Lord” (verse 13).
He acknowledged his wrong. David didn’t stay steeped in his sins. He repented, he changed, and he wept for his wrong.
And yet…even so, even after he repented, God ordered there to be public discipline for David’s hidden sins.
God didn’t stay silent about the heinousness of David’s sins. The Bible says: “The thing that David did displeased God.” Do we want a leader who continually displeases God? This deep displeasure led God to publicly punish David. If we read on in chapter 12 what unfolds is the very “known” punishment of David for the sins he had tried to keep a secret.
God is in favor of “bringing wrong to light.”
“For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light” Mark 4:22.
Of course, it isn’t always our job to bring every sin to light, but sometimes it is. But, the main point I’m trying to make here is this: it is our job as “the body of Christ”—the church, to help keep the church a safe place and especially to help protect those who are being harmed among us.
We the church might prefer to keep things hushed, but God doesn’t work this way.
Exposing Sin to Light
God exposes sin to light, wrong to right, evil to righteousness. And when His chosen leaders choose to secretly defy His ways, God won’t stand for it. He will expose it, in one way or another.
Here’s the problem, our natural inclination is to want to excuse our pastors, elders, and leader’s who are hurting others, by saying: “Well, who am I to judge. We all sin.” We use verses like: “judge not lest you be judged” or “we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Matthew 7:1, Romans 3:23).
Then there are others who want to dismiss these specific sins against wives and children, because they say, well he (the pastor, elder, etc) is the “head of his home,” so it isn’t our place to “interfere.”
But are either of these reasons to stay silent grounded in biblical logic? I don’t think so.
For those who believe we, as Christians, have no place to judge, we’re told this in 1 Corinthians 5:11:
“But actually, I have written to you not to associate with any so-called [Christian] brother if he is sexually immoral or greedy, or is an idolater [devoted to anything that takes the place of God], or is a reviler [who insults or slanders or otherwise verbally abuses others], or is a drunkard or a swindler—you must not so much as eat with such a person.”
How can we follow this command if we don’t have some sense of where we are to draw this “line” of discernment?
The Bible also says in 1 Corinthians 5:12: “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?”
And in James 3:1: “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.”
And for those who believe there are “private sins” that we shouldn’t meddle with, we are given criteria as to how our leaders should behave at home.
1 Timothy 3:2-5 has this to say:
“Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)
Am I saying that a pastor, elder, leader in the faith has to be completely without any sin…no, of course not. But, I am saying, that if we believe the Bible for other things, why would we not want to honor the criteria it gives us for these things?
The Bible also gives us some pretty clear instruction and a path to approach a leader who is sinning and it’s found in 1 Timothy 5:19-21 (NIV):
“Do not entertain an accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses. But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning. I charge you, in the sight of God and Christ Jesus and the elect angels, to keep these instructions without partiality, and to do nothing out of favoritism.”
A Start to Larger Conversation
Now, clearly this article is not exhaustive. It’s only a start to a much larger discussion on how we, the members of the church, can actually handle these types of situations. I, personally, would like to think that there could be a way to restore the pastors, elders, and men in ministry who truly are faithful but have stumbled. David was restored, so I know it’s possible. Maybe that will be for a future post.
But in saying that, there also has to be a way for the church to handle the men in leadership who are unrepentant and unwilling to turn from their sins, other than helping them to keep it hidden, or only praying for their restoration and hoping that they will change, while their sins continue hurting people.
I’m in no way suggesting that this problem has a simple fix! In fact, I know just how “messy” and “hard” to un-tease things like this can be.
It’s difficult to imagine that an elder that’s been a family friend could be beating or emotionally battering his wife. It’s painful to consider that our pastor is having an affair. And, it could feel beyond belief that an evangelist could have been abusing children under his care. Often, it’s even more difficult because the men who are doing these things are likable, charismatic men, who many times “show great results” in bringing people into the faith. But, the reality is, what are they bringing people into, if their lives are the example of how a Christian should behave?
The reality is also this, whether we want to believe our leaders are capable of these things, they are. The truth is we all are, if we open the door for temptation to come inside our homes and hearts.
Jesus warned us: “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them.”
We live in a fallen world. None of this is easy or simple. Life isn’t easy or simple. But, God gives us some clear principles: wrong is wrong, and especially when it’s being lived out by someone in leadership. His heart is seriously grieved when His leaders are hiding sin behind closed doors, but trying to share the Gospel in open forums.
Our leaders are called to a higher standard: “To whom much is given, much will be required” (Luke 12:48).
Christ admonished this as well: “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble!" Matthew 18:6
This may be hard for some reading this to understand, but my heart is for God’s church. I spent many years as a missionary working to share the Gospel so that other people could come into the church. I ache for it in fact. I ache for it to be healthy for the precious souls already inside its doors and for those who will be coming.
Christ aches for the church, His bride, as well. We all should. But the reality is this: things are multiplying within the church that grieve the heart of our Father and we have a choice to make.
Will we stay silent, afraid to lovingly speak the truth when wrong comes to light, or will we follow God’s example and stand for His ways? We may not know every situation or have enough information to make an informed decision, and in those cases maybe we aren’t being called to speak. But when we do know something, the real question is this: should we stay silent while someone else, maybe many other people, continue to be harmed?
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining me for the first time, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. I’m also a missionary at heart, who believes in tackling the hard stuff of life through a biblical lens, in order to help people work through spiritual abuse and church hurt while rebuilding a relationship with God. On the blog you’ll find more ways to get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, so you can start to live like an overcomer.