Why Couple’s Counseling is Not Helpful For Destructive Marriages
Question:
Is couple’s counseling a good idea if there is abuse in a marriage?
Answer:
First, since my answer is going to cover a lot of ground, I want to clarify what I’ll be referring to as “couples counseling.” It could include licensed professional therapy with both the husband and wife, Christian marriage retreats (where couples attend together), or attending pastoral counseling as a couple.
Next, I also want to start by saying, that I think it’s quite common for well meaning pastors and ministry leaders to assume that couple’s therapy would be the best route for a couple having problems. And while marriage counseling can be a great tool for a marriage with minor communication issues, or minor challenges, it can be very harmful for victims of spousal abuse—and I’ll explain why.
One concerning thing with couple’s counseling in cases of marital abuse, is that the counseling focuses on the relationship. The assumption is that both partners have an equal role to play. However, in an abusive marriage, the main focus initially needs to be on the abuse. An abuser is solely responsible for his actions and until he addresses his behaviors no real healing can happen in the marriage.
Unfortunately, while a couple’s therapist addresses other issues outside of the abuse, the abuse is allowed to grow as it slides under the radar.
Looking at Both Sides Equally
Here’s the real crux of the problem. Couples counseling is designed to help two relatively functioning adults. If a marriage falls into the category of destructive or abusive, then most likely neither person is functioning well.
Couples counseling is designed to look at both individuals and highlight where each person can “come up higher” for the greater good of the marriage and the relationship. It focuses on addressing minor communication issues, drifting apart, gaining a different perspective, and even conflict resolution.
But, here’s the problem. Abuse is not a joint problem. It’s not even a 50/50 issue. Abuse actually causes marriage problems.
Abuse is one person’s choice, not the other’s. And the victim is often left exhausted by things like couples counseling. Many times they will go above and beyond to do everything the counselor suggests. And are more than willing to look at their own shortcomings or to do just about anything if there is a chance it can save their marriage.
While, on the other hand, the abusive partner often sits back and allows the victim to spin their wheels trying to fix things. This can keep victims stuck in an abusive and destructive marriage for years while they work to “fix” their marriage with tools that won’t help, unless the abuse is truly dealt with.
If the couple’s counselor is a Christian counselor or pastoral counselor advice such as: “overlook a transgression,” “have more grace,” “work on not finding fault with your husband, instead focus on his positive attributes,” or “make sure you respect your husband as the head of the home,” might also be common. This type of advice is welcomed by the abusive partner, and is often used to abuse the victim further.
It’s likely though, she is already doing these things and more, while he isn’t showing any initiative to work on his own destructive behaviors. Or he may show just enough initiative to ensure that she’ll stay in the relationship and then start his abusive patterns all over again once she settles back in. This can be extremely exhausting for victims.
In fact, in some instances, an abuser will use much of what a counselor says as another means of abuse and control (ie: “Didn’t the counselor say you were supposed to respect me and do what I tell you to do!”)
A False Sense of Safety
Sometimes, a victim will open up in couple’s therapy at first. She does this because she feels safe there. However, sometimes an abuser will become enraged by the things she said in counseling. He may even punish her once they leave counseling for having shared certain things about his behavior.
Fearing further abuse, she stops confiding in the counselor or minimizes the abuse. Her silence, however, empowers her abuser. He may then exploit sessions, highlighting her flaws. This can mislead even an experienced therapist into siding with him and believing she is the problem. Or if she minimizes their problems, the counselor may believe things are better than they really are.
Many abusive men are charming. They can easily fool others, even those aware of their tactics. This is especially true for abusers with narcissistic traits. It's sometimes difficult for even trained counselors to see through their tricks.
“Processing” Doesn’t Happen While in Survival Mode
Another reason couple’s therapy isn’t effective in abuse cases is because often both people are operating out of survival mode. No one thinks clearly in survival mode.
When a woman is being verbally or physically attacked she reacts in one of four ways. Either she will fight, flee, fawn, or freeze. While this is a normal response to being attacked, staying in this mode can be damaging for a person’s mental well being and healing.
Often abusers are also reacting in one of these ways as well, most commonly the first, but it could be the others too.
Often abusive men live very reactionary lives. They become easily triggered by anything that brings up their past pain or trauma. This causes them to fight, flee, fawn, or freeze in the present—even if the person they’re reacting to is not the one who harmed them. This can lead them to lash out violently or aggressively. I should note here, that I’m not sharing this to divert any woman’s attention back to trying to “figure out” why her husband is behaving abusively. An abuser’s past traumas or current triggers are things that he alone will need to address and get help with. I simply added this in to help explain what I am about to say next.
Outside of the counseling office the abuser repeatedly attacks and takes on an offensive position, while the victim is forced into a defensive position. This causes her nervous system to stay in a state of heightened alert. Even if there are periods of calm in the marriage, her nervous system can get “stuck” in hyper vigilance, because she never knows when the next attack will come. This hyper vigilance is her body’s way of protecting itself.
When our brain is constantly being triggered it moves our “operating system” from our thinking brain to our reactive brain. This change moves us into "fight or flight" mode, also known as survival mode. In this state, the brain operates from the temporal lobe (our reactionary brain). This area handles unconscious thoughts, memory, but most importantly for our purposes here, automatic responses.
Essentially our brain goes on auto pilot and then no learning can take place. Why? Because the frontal lobe, crucial for decision-making and learning, becomes inactive and the temporal lobe takes over. This prevents new information absorption and retrieval, hindering cognitive growth.
The brain’s main focus shifts from purposeful and rational thought to “how do I survive.” The brain becomes consumed with protecting us at all costs.
“Reacting” instead of thinking is clearly not productive, especially in a couple’s counseling setting where the whole goal is to process what is happening in the marriage.
Once the brain is in this state, it’s difficult to get it to think rationally and it definitely isn’t processing new information. The baseline for any couple to be able to work together in counseling, is to be able to function from a place of rational thinking and reason. If they’re flooded or triggered, they can’t focus on what the counselor is trying to share.
Sometimes couples counseling can inadvertently ignite more conflict, or set off a trigger, so both victim and abuser continue reacting instead of processing. So again, no learning is taking place, and instead, each person is reacting to the other from a place of coping mechanisms, one from fear, and one from aggression (fight, flight, flee, fawn).
In order to process new information, each person has to be functioning from the frontal lobe, not in fight or flight mode. This can’t happen when abuse is present in a relationship (inside or outside of the counseling office).
Healing and growth are not going to take place for either victim or abuser, until the woman can get to a place of true safety (which could include finding her own counselor apart from her abuser) and the man can honestly deal with his own triggers and the deep heart issues that are leading him to behave in abusive ways—which absolutely should take place separately. She cannot and should not attempt to “fix” her abuser.
Other Reasons Why Couples Counseling Doesn’t Work in Abusive Marriages
There are also other reasons why couples counseling is not advised for marriages where abuse is present. I’ll list some of those below. (1)
It leads abusers to blame victims. For instance, a counselor might ask the victim what they did to provoke the abusive behavior. This questioning can deepen the victim's sense of guilt. It also encourages the abuser to shift blame onto the victim rather than take responsibility. Many victims already work from a place of shame, and blame themselves, so this type of questioning by the counselor can further lead victims into drawing the conclusion that the abuse is their fault.
It can make abuse worse. If an abuser feels the counselor is siding with the victim or that the victim is being swayed by the counselor, they may become more controlling or violent to regain control. Abusers hate losing control over their victims.
It can give victims a false sense of hope. They may feel that since they’re in counseling, change will surely come. Some counselors also suggest longer periods of therapy in order to see results. So if the counseling doesn’t address the real issue, victims and abusers miss out on crucial individual help during that time. Victims need help to recover, set healthy boundaries, and stay safe. Abusers need help in becoming accountable for their actions and to stop the abuse.
It can cause the abuser to shut down. A therapist who spots abuse and focuses on it might make the abuser feel ashamed. This can lead to defensiveness and stop the abuser from admitting or talking about the abuse. It might even lead to anger or withdrawal. However, in a group with other men, like a batterer's intervention program, the approach is different. Everyone is asked to talk about their actions. There's no shame or judgment, but wrong behaviors are still called out, which can encourage accountability and growth.
Abuse may not be dealt with effectively even if seen. Sometimes, if a counselor suspects abuse, they might avoid directly addressing it. This is often true of pastoral counseling as well. They fear seeming biased or taking sides. In couple's therapy, the main aim is to work on the relationship. So, the counselor might hesitate to confront one person more than the other. This approach could lead to the abuse not being dealt with properly. This sends victims back to into unsafe situations while their abusers refuse additional help because they have already “been to counseling.”
Abuse is all consuming. Addressing it is crucial for any counseling to work. And, until it’s stopped other interventions and tools for the relationship will have limited (if any) effectiveness.
It makes disclosing violence less likely. Because both parties are present together, it makes disclosure of violence difficult, and honest disclosures may not happen due to a victim’s fear of retaliation. Many couple’s therapists do not assess for violence, unless it’s mentioned. As a result, the violence remains unaddressed.
This is one reason why pastoral counseling is problematic in cases of abuse. Often a pastor knows the abuser socially. They might not think of the abuser as aggressive or violent. Because again, many abusers only act this way in private. This makes it tough to ask about violence, especially for those who see the abuser as a potential convert, or knows them as a friend or a church colleague. This can create cognitive dissonance for pastors counseling familiar couples. Addressing the abuse risks offending a friend or a potential convert. Yet, ignoring it betrays the victim and endangers her safety.
If you find yourself in a potentially destructive or abusive relationship, or you wonder if you are, it’s always best to seek help separately from your spouse. The unfortunate fact is that abuse can be difficult to navigate so it’s best not to add additional hurdles to finding real, informed help.
If you’re uncertain if your marriage falls into the category of abuse feel free to reach out here and book a free clarity call. Or you can email darah@darahashlie.com. You deserve peace and safety in your marriage and in order for this to happen, it’s important to identify what’s really at the root of the problem.
Are you in a physically violent relationship, or fear for your safety? If so, please reach out immediately for help. Contact your local domestic violence shelter or call the national hotline at: https://www.thehotline.org/ or call: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
If you found this helpful, I would love to hear from you! Feel free to use the comments section to share your thoughts, feedback, or use the form below to submit your own question.
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer.
(1) Adapted from: 12 reasons couples counseling not recommended with ... (n.d.-b). https://www.washingtoncountyor.gov/documents/12-reasons-why-couples-counseling-not-recommended-when-domestic-violence-present/download