What Does the Bible say about Separation and Divorce in Cases of Abuse?
Many Christian women stay in destructive and abusive marriages because they have been taught that all divorce is a sin and often separation isn’t even discussed. They are left with little biblical recourse no matter how heinous or devastating their marriage has become. This leaves thousands upon thousands of women trapped, and some in extremely dangerous situations.
This is why I think it’s vital that we know the heart of God and we don’t just use Bible verses in isolation or out of context.
Jesus Christ, who told His disciples, “if you have seen me you have seen the Father” (John 14:9) also said the following words in Luke 4:18.
Jesus said, “The Lord hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering sight unto the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.”
Look at that list again. Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted, so clearly He would not want anyone to stay where they are being continually broken. He also came to set the captives free and to bring liberty to those who are being bruised and wounded.
Jesus’ heart is for the abused—God’s heart is for the abused.
God does not want anyone being repeatedly and destructively harmed, belittled, bruised, or abused. Jesus’ own words explain His heart and the Father’s heart. Jesus expressed it clearly, His heart longs for all people to be free from captivity and harm.
I believe finding freedom from abuse looks different in different situations. For some marriages, freedom could mean separation while the abusive spouse seeks counseling and help. While in other situations, in which separation will not bring true safety and freedom for the abused, divorce may be the route.
But Doesn’t God Hate All Divorce?
I have served many years as a missionary teaching the tenants of the Bible. I believe what the Bible says to be true, every word of it. And, I believe it’s biblically accurate to say that God designed marriage to be a lasting commitment, and that He wouldn’t condone frivolous divorces for minor disputes or for not being willing to work out our fixable problems.
However, I don’t believe God condones any marriage that destroys one partner due to the other partner’s destructive and repetitive behaviors either.
God doesn’t love the institution of marriage over and above the two people involved in the marriage. God would never risk a woman’s safety and sanity in order to save a destructive or abusive marriage. God also wants to reach the hearts of those who are committing abuse (2 Peter 3:9). He wouldn’t want them lost due to their wicked ways either. Separation and divorce are often the only wake up call that an abusive spouse might pay attention to. However, sadly, even these measures won’t bring about change if an abusive spouse doesn’t want to change.
Still many Christians recite Malachi 2:16 to support their claim that God hates ALL divorce. However, I don’t believe God intended this verse to be boiled down to this, while overlooking it’s greater context. In fact, let me share with you a bit of biblical history that I hope can shed more light and context on this verse.
In 1947, a group of Bedouin teenagers who were tending their sheep near an ancient settlement on the northwest shore of the Dead Sea, now known as the West Bank, found a collection of large clay jars. Seven of the jars contained leather and papyrus scrolls.
Scholars later analyzed these scrolls and estimated their age to be over 2,000 years old, dating back to around 300 years before Christ and into the first century. The texts were written in Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek, and came to be known as the Dead Sea Scrolls. (You can view the actual scroll containing part of Malachi on: the Israel Antiquities Authority website: Manuscript: 4Q76), by clicking here.)
Now, let me explain why I am sharing this with you. Among the scrolls, parts of the book of Malachi were discovered, including chapter 2. As scholars examined the original text of Malachi 2:16 they found that it aligned more closely with the Septuagint. This is the early Greek version of the scripture that the apostles would have used, rather than the more widely used translations available at that time in 1947, such as the King James Version.
The King James Version was translated and written in 1611, long before the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls. And, the King James Version, translated prior to the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls, reads this way:
“For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.”
This is the translation many Christians use today and condense the verse down to: God hates divorce (alluding to all divorces).
However, the Septuagint version (again the language the disciples would have been using) said this: “But if thou shouldest hate thy wife and put her away, saith the Lord God of Israel…”
This is why in more modern translations that came after the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls read this way:
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful” (NIV version).
I am sharing this because Malachi 2:16 has been and continues to be used out of context. This verse is actually talking about God’s heart regarding why the men of this time were divorcing (or putting away) their wives.
Malachi 2:16 concludes a section in the Bible in which God is speaking to the Israelite men who at that time were treating their wives in unfaithful and treacherous ways. They were using divorce to “put away their wives” so that they could pursue and marry the neighboring pagan women. Their actions infuriated God. It’s in this context that Malachi 2:13-16 was written. God is rebuking these men who were behaving in adulterous, treacherous, and abusive ways towards “the wives of their youth.”
Listen to the preceding verses in Malachi 2 (verses: 12-15): “As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord remove him from the tents of Jacob—even though he brings an offering to the Lord Almighty. Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her…So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.”
Malachi tells us that God had stopped listening to the prayers of these abusive and deceitful men. And we see that same principle again in 1 Peter 3:7 found in the New Testament. It says: “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”
God may not be hearing the prayers of many “professed Christian men” today because they are not honoring or being faithful to their wives.
In Psalm 11:5 God makes it even more clear how He feels about abuse and those who are abusing others. It says this: “The LORD examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.
This verse is an even stronger rebuke to any man who is committing violence and doing wicked things to his wife. It says that not only does God hate abuse, but His heart is against any man who abuses another person. If God Himself hates those who are committing violence, why would He command any woman or child to stay tied to the one committing the violence?
While again, Christ came to save every single person and doesn’t want anyone to perish, he also warns us to be aware of those whose hearts are hardened (prophets or otherwise), and who are masquerading as “sheep but inwardly they are ferocious wolves” (Matthew 7:15-23).
God’s heart is always for the abused and never for an unrepentant hardened abuser. “From oppression and violence he redeems their life, and precious is their blood in his sight” (Psalm 72:14)
A Call to Separate from Some People
Romans 16:17-18: “I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites.”
1 Corinthians 5:11: “But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.”
Proverbs 22:24-25: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.”
1 Timothy 5:8: “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
2 Timothy 3:1-5: “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.”
Some people teach the verses above as though they do not apply to married couples. But why would a God who cares so deeply for the wounded and abused only desire to protect those outside of marriage? Why would His heart only want to protect some of His children, and not others? While I believe we are called to love all people, even a spouse who falls into one of the categories above, I don’t believe biblical love allows others to keep sinning against us (you can read more about that here).
Reasons Given for Divorce in the Old Testament
When we look into the Old Testament, there were several instances where it speaks about divorce. I will list the instances and the reasons God gave for each below.
Exodus 21:10-11: God allowed for divorce to keep women from being neglected or treated inhumanely.
Deuteronomy 21:11-14: God allowed for divorce to keep women from being treated as slaves or from being sold as a slave.
Deuteronomy 24:1-5: As we read above, God allowed for divorce in cases of uncleanness, which truly meant in cases where adultery had been committed.
Ezra chapter 10: God commands all of the male Israelites who had taken pagan wives to divorce them and to send them and their children away.
As we see here, the first two times God allowed for divorce were again to protect women from being treated inhumanely. The third reason was pertaining to adultery, and the last was to protect and preserve God’s chosen people and their lineage, and to especially keep them from straying after the pagan gods their foreign wives worshipped.
New Testament Discussions Regarding Divorce
Jesus made the following statement in Matthew 5:31-32: “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery…” Upon reading this it might seem as though adultery is suddenly the only biblical grounds for a divorce.
However, in order to know what the biblical principle is on any subject, we have to look at context as well as all verses related to the topic in question, in this case divorce. The Bible itself tells us that we should study by placing: “…precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little, there a little” (Isaiah 28:9-10).
So, let’s look at what the apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:14-15 regarding divorce. “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.”
Clearly, we now see another principle for divorce. If an unbelieving spouse abandons their partner, this is also grounds for divorce.
Abuse is a deep neglect that destroys the soul of the other person. It leaves victims abandoned and isolated. Though, some abusers will claim they are Christian, no man who repeatedly behaves in destructive, abusive ways and does not truly repent and turn from his ways is a true Christian. The Bible tells us that we will know a true Christian by the fruits they bear, and if they don’t bear good fruits (as found in Galatians 5:22-23), the Bible says “Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire” (Matthew 7:19)
If your spouse is repeatedly abusing you, first he is not a Christian and second, he is choosing to abandon your marriage covenant.
Context of Christ’s Words
But I want to return to Jesus’ words in Matthew for a moment. His words were given in a larger context. Remember, context is also important to fully understand what a verse means. Jesus spoke the words found in Matthew 5:31-32 in a larger message found throughout Matthew 5:17-48. He was using exaggeration (1) to shock and capture his audience’s attention.
In each of the scenarios presented in these passages, He first gave his audience the law as presented by Moses, then he gave His expansion (or fulfillment: Matthew 5:17) of the law by instructing them how to strive for a higher righteousness than what they had known. In the case of divorce: He mentions Moses law to give “a certificate of divorce,” but then expands that to give them a higher calling and view of marriage.
The Mosaic law originally given in Deuteronomy 24:1 stated: “When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favor in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.” According to Jesus’ audience at the time, “uncleanness” or “indecency” (used in other translations) had come to mean absolutely anything they didn’t like. But its original meaning was sexual indecency.
In the patriarchal culture of that time, women had little if any means of providing for themselves. They were the caregivers to the children and not the financial providers. Frivolous divorces left many women destitute and without means of providing for themselves once their husbands wrote them a decree of divorce for any reason they felt fit their situation. Jesus was rebuking their unfaithful and treacherous hearts. He was trying to correct their wrong thinking by reiterating more plainly Moses’ original intent of the law, which was to protect the vulnerable, while still calling out wrongdoing.
We can see this form of shocking speech especially in the preceding passage regarding adultery (Matthew 27-30). Jesus tells the crowd this: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.”
Clearly, Christians today don’t believe that we should pluck out our eyes if we lust. As Marg Mowczko points out in her article highlighting these passages and the language Christ was using here, if this were so, many Christians wouldn’t still have two eyes and two hands! (2)
Now, I am not suggesting that Jesus didn’t mean what he said. I do believe He meant that adultery was (and is) grounds for divorce. But, since we know that the Bible gives other reasons for divorce outside of adultery alone, I believe its possible that Jesus focused solely on this one reason for this particular audience in order to correct their self-serving understanding of why Moses originally granted certificates of divorce.
Christ was trying to deter “frivolous divorces,” for just any reason that suited a man at the time. He was also trying to protect the many women that were being left destitute by these “any cause” divorces.
God’s Heart is for Healthy and Safe Marriages
Context, historical information that the crowds would have understood, as well as the entirety of teachings found in the Bible are vital to understanding God’s heart regarding all divorces and all kinds of marriages.
When we look at the entirety of the Bible, I believe God has given us clear principles for divorce. He allowed divorce as a means of protecting the innocent. It provides a means of escape for those trapped in marriages that fall under certain categories including: cases of abandonment, extreme neglect/abuse, and adultery.
God’s heart is for the abused and His heart is against abuse and unrepentant abusers. Divorce was given as a means of protection for His precious children, it was never meant to be thrown around lightly.
Marriage is designed to be a holy, sanctified, and beautiful thing, and I believe it can be when treated as such by BOTH partners. But marriage was never intended to be a prison to entrap victims into staying in harmful, emotionally destructive and possibly even life threatening unions. This is not in line with the heart of God.
Wondering if you’re in a destructive or abusive marriage? Take the Abuse Questionnaire to help you find clarity for your marriage.
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah. If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog you’ll find I cover many topics related to how we relate, especially in the confines of marriage. I love to read your comments, so feel free to drop me a line below if you find something helpful or if you have a question you’d like to have addressed.