How to Parent Well When You’re Exhausted From the Stress of Your Marriage
You Can Simplify Things and Still be Intentional
One of the things that can happen when you’ve been living in a non-functioning marriage or family system, is that parenting in healthy ways can get lost. When everyone in the home is living in survival mode, higher level reasoning and thinking often get set aside. So being able to think through how you would like to parent can turn into just getting through the day and managing to take care of everyone’s basic needs. Because you’re too busy just trying to survive or you may already be in burnout (read more here).
When we’re in survival mode all we can focus on are the most basic and immediate needs. In fact, our minds and bodies are created by God this way, so that we can function when we’re threatened or under prolonged stress. So you may only be able to focus on the most basic parenting concerns. Are the kids fed, clothed, are they registered for school? Or are they out playing in the middle of the street!
But, we’re going to talk today about how you can go beyond these basics without exhausting yourself. I understand, you may already feel challenged and tired from your marriage or other stressors that could be happening in your home. So I don’t want to add to that. But, parenting well and intentionally, even in the middle of hard things is possible. And it can benefit you and your children.
I’m going to share ways you can help your children or teens not just survive, but thrive, even in a tough situation. When you and your children can learn healthy ways of thinking despite the stress around you, the overall stress levels in your home can decrease.
Now, that won't necessarily stop your partner's bad behavior if they choose not to change, but it will help you and your children. In tough situations, any reduction in stress levels is extremely helpful.
Helping Your Children Learn a Better Way
So, what you’re about to read is not the solution or fix for a destructive marriage, these are simply principles that can help you to parent your children in a way that teaches them how to have healthy emotions and relationships so they don’t repeat what is being modeled by an abusive, uninvolved, or emotionally neglectful spouse. These are a few things to help their growth until you can get to a safe place either in your marriage or apart from your marriage.
So let’s jump in. I believe the Bible gives us two simple steps that we can use to help our children grow into healthy, well balanced adults—even when our world is upside down! And those two things are: training and modeling.
We’re told in Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” So that’s our first action step: training. We’re also taught the principle of modeling when Jesus says in John 13:15, "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you." This verse emphasizes the importance of leading by example.
I’m a big believer that children and teens learn best from both training and watching us. And here’s what I mean. If you want your child to grow up to be a respectful adult, then model respect by showing it to others and especially by showing it to your child or teen—even if they’re not seeing it modeled by your spouse.
Teaching and Modeling Respect
One way you can do this is by respecting and valuing their opinions. Show an interest in what they think and acknowledge their feelings. Try not to minimize or trivialize their thoughts or feelings. Remember, just like you, they too are taking the brunt emotionally of what’s happening in the home. They need a cheerleader in the midst of the turmoil.
In many destructive marriages, the abusive spouse often devalues the children’s feelings, or shuts their feelings down, or gaslights them, so it’s important that you try to bridge the gap if possible.
By respecting their feelings you show them that their feelings do matter. This also helps them to understand that they don’t have to shut down or minimize their emotions to please (or appease) others. That will serve them well in future relationships.
By you slowing down to show concern when they have an emotional moment, it shows them that it’s OK to not be OK when hard things happen. That you still love them, even if they’re having “an unloveable moment.”
It also helps to set you apart as a safe haven for them. And, hopefully, this will help them lower their guard and invite you into their world. Then you can then help them process those tough emotions in better ways.
Give Them Space to Heal
Another example of a way you can demonstrate respect, is to be considerate of their physical space. In healthy homes, this happens naturally. However, in unhealthy ones, a child's space can be frequently violated. Controlling parents might criticize, micromanage, or invade a child’s space. This can also happen through physical or sexual abuse. Show them you are different. Allow them some control in their room. Let them arrange it as they like. This doesn't mean they should always keep the door locked (unless they need that to stay safe until you can all get to safety).
It simply means giving them a say in their space. Allow them to organize and decorate it. Maybe even let them have a pet in the room. This fosters a sense of ownership and shows them that you care about what they care about. These little attentions can go a long way in a home full of chaos.
Though this may seem small, this is actually pretty important. A child growing up in an abusive home can benefit greatly from a place to retreat to when tension builds in the home. So allow them this. This shows them that you care about their peace and safety.
Modeling Boundaries
Now of course, if your teen's room is so messy that mice are living under the bed, it may be time to model for them how you set healthy boundaries! Remember, our goal is to teach and model. So, if you want your teen to know how to set healthy boundaries (and be responsible), you need to model them first (in a loving way).
So for example you might say: "John, I respect your space, but we need some rules. Please clean your room weekly and avoid bringing food in the room. If not, we might need to limit your time with friends. Does that seem fair?"
It's important to communicate with kindness, especially if your spouse hasn’t been. Set boundaries respectfully, as you'd want them set with you. Involve your child in finding a compromise, but if they resist, stay calm and reiterate the boundary. If they disrespect you, it’s appropriate to have a consequence and not accept bad behavior. Just be sure to do so in a loving way. Your goal is to model healthy communication (boundaries set in love) and help them become responsible adults.
Teaching Responsibility
Teaching respect and responsibility involves more than just talking about it; it means also giving children age-appropriate tasks. This could be things like caring for a pet, having a job, or managing a savings account. These activities help them learn responsibility but also can help them focus on something positive versus the unhealthy things happening in the home.
And remember, it’s just as important to model responsible behavior ourselves. By being financially responsible, honest in relationships, owning our emotions, and keeping promises, we set an example for our children to follow, even if our spouse or others in their life don’t.
While having two parents who are healthy and responsible is ideal, if this isn’t the case in your home, remember that one healthy parent is far better than no healthy parents.
I hope you’re getting the picture. Parenting in intentional ways means both training and modeling for our kids. The list could go on—in fact, I think it’s helpful to take some time aside (when you’re able) and think of the areas you want them to grow in at this stage in their life. Write your list down somewhere, maybe in a journal, where you can return to it from time to time. Then simply keep the mantra “model and teach" in your mind as you think through the various character traits you would like to see develop in them.
Modeling Kindness
To raise kind children, model kindness yourself and discuss its importance with them. Point out others who exemplify kindness and praise your children when they act kindly.
If your spouse is unkind to your child, it’s okay to privately validate your child’s feelings and gently point out the unkindness, while still respecting your spouse. This helps children recognize and reject harmful behavior.
However, if your spouse might react violently to such discussions, prioritize safety first and instead consider making plans to protect yourself and your children.
Teaching Financial Responsibility
To raise children who grow up to be financially independent, then model this behavior and provide guidance. Consider giving them some money to manage. Or, let them earn their first bike or car.
I have seen in harsh marriages, when one partner controls finances or is overly strict, the other tries to overcompensate by spoiling or being overly permissive with the kids. This reaction, however, can be harmful for your children. No matter how wrong your spouse is acting, your children need to see a balanced approach from you.
This teaches them how to manage and save money, as well as learn to have a healthy work ethic and delay gratification. All of these things will serve them well in their future. Now if your spouse is negating this by living a financially reckless or negligent lifestyle, then again, do what you can to show this trait in yourself and that you value it in others. Then pray and ask God to help them learn from the good examples and not the bad ones.
Sharing Your Faith While in a Hard Place
As a Christian parent, it’s also likely you desire for your children to have a relationship with God. But maybe your home has had toxic teachings, or force in place of Christ centered love. Maybe you’ve been spiritually abused or find your family in a church where there is spiritual abuse. I know that modeling and training how to have a relationship with God can be more difficult in this environment. But, I want to encourage you, it’s still possible.
I encourage you to find your connection with God aside from your spouse. If he chooses to join you in a real relationship with God, that’s great, but don’t loose your faith because of him. And when you seek God to help you through the trials you’re facing, your children will see this and learn that God can be their safe haven also.
There is Hope
My guess is, if you’re reading this, you might be on the receiving end of all kinds of harmful things. Spiritual abuse, financial abuse, verbal or physical abuse—maybe your spouse is mismanaging money, dishonest, or rude. I know these things can make it feel like you’re fighting an uphill battle with the examples he’s setting for your children.
And maybe for whatever reason you’re not able to leave at the moment. If this is you, I don’t want the principles I’ve shared here to discourage you. I don’t want you to feel like the burden falls solely on your shoulders. Because, I can see that it would be easy to feel that way. And, I’ve worked with enough women in destructive marriages to know, that you have enough burden and weight on you already!
I’m simply offering these things so that you can take note of the principles, and do what you’re able to—as you’re able to.
As you get healthier and healthier in your own life, it does become easier to have the energy to model and teach healthy behaviors to your kiddos. And, it gets much easier as you move away from the abuse, because your energy levels are not continually being depleted.
It’s so helpful to view God as your partner in raising your children when your spouse is failing to be a good role model or an active and loving parent. Remember God says this in Isaiah 54:5: "For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name…” You can turn to Him to help both you and your children.
In Christian circles we often hear how a child needs both parents to thrive. But, I want to share something with you. We live in a broken world where ideals simply don’t always happen. So, I want to repeat something I mentioned earlier. In marriages that are destructive, one healthy parent is far better for a child than two completely nonfunctioning parents.
Your Role as a Parent in a Difficult Marriage
Your job is not to change your spouse—you can’t anyway. They have to do the changing. Your role as a parent, with God’s help, is to focus on what you can do to grow and change into your healthiest self, and by doing so, you will naturally model this for your children, who then can do the same.
We’ve talked about a lot of areas where we can model and train our children to grow, but there is one very important area that we haven’t discussed yet, and that is relationships.
If you want your child or teen to grow into an adult who has healthy relationships, they need to see healthy relationships being modeled.
This may mean that you need to separate from your partner if they’re behaving in continually destructive, violent, or psychologically damaging ways, or if they are having affairs or constantly on the computer looking at p*rn. Or if your children are not seeing their father respect you, or honor his commitment to you. These are not things we want our children normalizing or repeating in their relationships.
Now again, you may not be able to separate yourself from your spouse, or able to right away. Maybe you still need to get a plan in place on how to become independent. Or maybe your spouse has begun taking steps to change, and you desire to give things time to see if his efforts bear fruit. If any of these is the case, I encourage you to prayerfully begin the work in your own life to become stronger, healthier, and to find a way to get enough space apart from the destructive cycles so you can begin to practice self care, and help your children to do the same.
This may mean taking the kids out of the home for routine breaks away from the fighting, or having a family member watch the kiddos once in a while so you can refresh and recharge. Whatever it looks like for you, make it a priority so you can begin to clear your thoughts and care for yourself, so you can then be able to care for your kiddos. Remember, you can’t give to them, what you don’t have to give.
What You Model Becomes the Message
As you begin to get healthier in the very areas that you want your children to thrive in, those areas that you wrote down earlier, I promise it will have a positive effect on them (and you).
They will see you starting to set healthy boundaries, protecting yourself and them, taking control of your own emotions, relying on God, and they’ll be able to internalize their need for these things as well.
If you’re a struggling momma, please take heart. Even the smallest shifts can make a huge difference for your kiddos. The journey of parenting isn’t an easy one even in the most ideal of circumstances, so understand that parenting under stressful circumstances can compound things. So please have grace on yourself if this is your situation.
Try to simplify your parenting model if you need to. You don’t have to do all the “things,” or be a Pinterest perfect mom. Maybe those mommas aren’t dealing with what you’re having to deal with.
By using God’s methods of modeling and teaching you can simplify things down to what’s most important for your children’s growth, and that’s their character development.
In marriages where one parent is behaving in harmful ways, often your children’s character, and your character for that matter, are under attack. But, I’m hoping that this small shift in thinking can help you to start turning that around.
I know you may have a lot of heavy things going on, but again don’t underestimate the small shifts that can help your children (and you) thrive. You and your children can do this. You can both grow healthier and stronger—together!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!