Does God Use Your Marriage Problems to Make You Holier?
Does God use our struggles to increase our faith…
QUESTION:
I was recently asked the following question—and I want to address it here, because I imagine there are quite a few Christian women who might wonder about this as well.
I should note that my response applies to any relationship that is toxic or repeatedly harmful, whether an intimate relationship or otherwise.
The question was this: “How do I respond when people say that my difficult marriage and the suffering that I’m going through is actually a gift. That I should look at my trials from that perspective. People are telling me that if I didn’t have these struggles in my life, I wouldn’t be getting the deeper healing that God is bringing up through my husband and my marriage.
Basically how do I respond to those who say my marriage is making me holier, yet I know it’s making me extremely unhappy, unhealthy, and deeply depressed.”
ANSWER:
First, I want to affirm that the pain and struggle you’re experiencing in your marriage is real and valid. Your suffering is deeply significant, and it's important to honor those feelings.
In the midst of a really hard trial like the one you’re experiencing, it can be hard to reconcile the idea of suffering as a gift with the immediate pain that you’re feeling. That’s completely natural, and I would say your instincts to view these comments as confusing is healthy.
It's not an empathetic response when someone who is supposed to care about us seems to be more concerned with our ability to learn something rather than to show genuine concern for the pain we’re experiencing.
When people tell victims in the midst of a difficult situation, especially those experiencing abuse that needs to be addressed and possibly separated from, to just hang on and stay a little longer, it sends the message that they NEED to suffer in order for God to work in their life. But that’s not true, God uses many ways to refine us and mature us—not just through suffering.
While trials can do this for us, and there are some trials that are unavoidable, God isn’t calling us to dismiss abuse or toxic behavior so that we can become better (or holier) people, by staying in harm’s way.
God tells us to “come, let us reason together.” And this line of reasoning, doesn’t make sense.
That would be like telling someone who has a terminal disease, which the doctor has the cure for, that instead of accepting the cure, they should just see their disease as a gift and focus on how it can make them holier. They shouldn’t worry about becoming healthier. Clearly, that would be dangerous advice.
Or what if we told widows or those who’ve lost loved ones that God took their loved one so they could learn how to be holier, or that they should just view their loss as a gift—while their in the middle of grieving. Or that God doesn’t care about them returning to happiness, because His only concern is their holiness. That type of advice would seem quite callous, wouldn’t it?
Suffering in Our Lives
It is true, as a Christian, that suffering is one way in which God can work to bring about deeper growth and healing in our lives. The Apostle Paul talks about this in Romans 5:3-5, where he writes that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. While suffering is not pleasant or easy, it can lead to profound transformation and deeper reliance on God.
And I would encourage you to lean into God while you are in the middle of suffering, but I would also encourage you to keep seeking ways to find safety and healing as well.
So while it’s true and biblical that we can learn lessons from our suffering…it isn’t complete to say that God would want us to stay in any harmful situation that we don’t have to stay in. God is seen throughout the Bible offering freedom to the captives.
Suffering in and of itself is not inherently good for us and God doesn’t want us seeking after suffering. But, when we do find ourselves in unavoidable suffering, God can use that suffering to shape us in ways that lead to greater spiritual depth and understanding.
Jesus himself experienced great suffering, and through it, He demonstrated that suffering can be a part of a greater plan of redemption and healing.
God’s Purpose for Marriage
The advice given in our question, is flawed. It negates God’s true purpose for marriage. God loves marriages that reveal Him. That’s why we’re told that the husband is to love His wife as Christ loves the church. This is a picture of God’s design for marriage.
Listen to what the entire passage says in Ephesians 5:25-27:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”
God desires all marriages to reflect His character.
When husbands treat their wives in such a way that is tender and caring, as Christ would, wives witness the true character of God, and this can help them to draw closer to God. However, what you’re experiencing if you’re in a destructive or abusive marriage isn’t this kind of love. And sadly, repeated abuse sometimes ends up pushing victims away from God, especially when the abuse is done under the guise of “Christianity.”
Good and healthy marriages are a gift from God, but suffering in a destructive marriage is not…in fact, it’s not healthy for your spouse either.
The Bible calls us to look out for the best interest of others. So let’s say someone is highly addicted to drinking, would it be the Christ-like thing to do to take them to the bar everyday? Or would it better to set a boundary around that, so that they could get sober?
If we turn a blind eye to someone’s large sins, are we helping them or hurting them? So, if your spouse is continually calling you names for instance, would it be better for you to keep allowing that, or to set a boundary around how they speak to you, so they don’t keep sinning (and pushing God away), and you don’t keep getting wounded?
I believe setting healthy boundaries, speaking your truth in love when needed, and creating space or separating if behaviors don’t change, all send the message that you actually care for your spouse. Submitting more and just allowing their sin to fester and grow doesn’t help them or you.
Imagine believing that God would desire us to uplift suffering (and wrongdoing) in our marriage more than having healed and healthy marriages that show the world Christians love one another, not abuse one another.
We’re also told in the very beginning that God created Eve because it wasn’t good that man should be alone. God created marriage and companionship as a help for both men and women, not as a means to destroy them. I can’t imagine God looking down through the eons of time and thinking, it would be good for man to have a wife to abuse, so she can become holier. When we think of it that way, it sounds rather absurd.
Advice That’s Not Applicable for All
Sometimes Christians focus on one verse or on one part of God’s character when giving advice, the part that’s easy for them to offer to you—because it’s your trial, not theirs.
I don’t believe this is done maliciously, but often, I believe it’s done because of inexperience or lack of understanding of God’s full character.
I once worked with a woman who was going through an extremely destructive marriage. The abuse was non stop and completely exhausting. She had already tried everything she could to save her marriage. She finally went to her pastor and her pastor told her that she needed to try being more submissive and to continue praying that God would heal her marriage. So she did.
However, it didn’t work, in fact, it kept her even longer in an unsafe situation, and the abuse escalated. And eventually she had to leave for her safety.
But it wasn’t long after she left, that her pastor who had given her this advice to be more submissive, pray more and stay in the relationship found himself in a difficult situation with an elder at church. This elder began badmouthing him, spreading rumors about him, and basically making his life miserable.
The pastor eventually took it to the board and asked to have the elder removed from his position, stating that the relationship was too difficult to mend, or to even try working on anymore.
The pastor didn’t take the same advice he had given to this woman. He expected her to endure a suffering that he couldn’t endure even a portion of, in a relationship that was far less hurtful and far less dangerous for him.
What is the Full Picture
It’s important to look at the Bible as a whole when thinking through any principle and how it applies to our lives. So, here are some other things we’re told in the Bible about God, our suffering, and our relationships.
The Bible clearly tells us in Psalm 34:18: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit". It also says in Psalm 31:7: "You have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul".
God cares about our pain, He doesn’t just see it as a means to mature us, yes it can do that when we allow it to, but God is a merciful God who wants to"heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds,” which we find in Psalm 147:3. He doesn’t want us to continue being wounded.
If you’re in a destructive relationship and you need to get to safety, God isn’t calling you to stay when your personhood is being destroyed. Because that doesn’t make you holier. And it isn’t inline with the character of God.
If we look at Psalm 82:4 we see the character of God. God says to: "Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked". This is something that hopefully you’re hearing from the Christians in your life that truly care about you.
The job of someone who cares about you, is to protect you as their sister in Christ. Not to encourage you to stay in places that could destroy you. Places where the wicked can continue harming you.
What to Do if Your Suffering is Unavoidable
But you may not be able to leave a destructive marriage right away, or maybe you’re working through setting boundaries and implementing other tools to work on your marriage at the moment, so it’s important to remember that Jesus invites us to bring our burdens to Him.
In Matthew 11:28, He says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” This invitation is a reminder that we don’t have to carry our suffering alone.
God is present with us in our pain and offers comfort and support. And yes, if we allow God into our pain, by being real about it, not dismissing, ignoring it, or glossing over it, then God will use what we’ve gone through or are going through to draw us closer to Him.
So while the things you’ve gone through or maybe are still going through, can be used for your good—-it doesn’t mean that you have to stay in places that are unsafe so that God can work in your life.
I promise as you allow God in, He can (and will) work just as hard to heal and grow you and teach you all the lessons He needs you to know, whether you are married, single, separated, or divorced.
Your marital status is not what allows God to help you become holier.
Good Marriages are a Gift, Suffering in a Destructive Marriage is Not
I think you’re instincts are correct in questioning any reasoning that suggests unholy or abusive behavior that puts you at risk should be viewed as a gift from God. God desires good things for His children, not abuse.
And while your suffering can lead to deeper healing and growth in the future, because God will never waste any of the pain you’re going through…it’s important to acknowledge and address your pain in this moment, and take the necessary steps to do something about it.
God doesn’t want us to use the Bible to minimize what we’re going through, or to keep us in unsafe places, that only delays our healing.
I encourage you to share your honest feelings and seek understanding and support from those who truly understand what you’re going through.
Remember that you are not alone, and God’s love and grace are with you through every challenge. But God never calls you to stay in places where the essence of who you are is being destroyed. Because He created you, and He fiercely loves and protects what He has made—and that includes you.
I hope this response helps you to navigate the complex situation it sounds like you are in and offers a balanced biblical perspective on how to view the struggles you’re facing in your marriage.
Remember, God loves you more than He loves the institution of marriage and would never want you to be emotionally harmed beyond repair. That is not a “gift” from God. He gives good and precious gifts!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!