Burdened Childhood: The Hidden Wounds of Parentification and Growing Up Too Soon
How to Find Healing from Childhood Wounds of Parentification
If you find yourself feeling like you have to be responsible for everyone and everything in your life, or you feel like you can’t let down and have fun because there’s always some job you need to be doing, or you don’t feel comfortable asking for help, this article might be for you.
The things I just mentioned could stem from experiencing parentification.
This is a role reversal where you as the child are forced into a role as a care giver or adult long before you were developmentally ready for such roles.
This can happen when a caregiver or parent is emotionally unavailable, is frequently absent, is struggling with addictions, or is dealing with mental or physical illness, among other reasons we’ll dive into below.
Parentification happens when you’re forced to take on adult (emotional or physical) responsibilities at an early age. This can occur for a number of reasons:
Family Problems: During tough times like financial struggles, illness, or divorce, children might take on adult roles to ease the burden.
Marital Abuse: If one parent is abusing the other, it can “disable” the abused parent. It can leave them exhausted, depressed, and too overwhelmed even for simple tasks or can consume them to the point they have nothing left over emotionally for the children. This can leave children to care for themselves or for others (emotionally and physically), especially younger siblings in the home.
Parental Issues: In families where parents face difficulties like mental health issues, addiction, or unhealed trauma, children may feel the need or be forced to step in and provide care or support.
Filling In: If one parent is often absent, leaving the other parent overwhelmed, a child might feel pressure to step in to “fill the shoes” of the missing parent or take on the role of comforter and therapist for the overwhelmed parent.
Blurred or Non Existent Boundaries: Families that don’t have clear boundaries can lead to children being pushed into adult roles unintentionally.
Cultural Norms: In some cultures, children are expected to take on responsibilities early in life, which can blur appropriate caregiving roles.
Need for Approval: Children may assume adult roles to gain approval or feel needed, especially in dysfunctional families.
Parentification can impact your growth and can lead to struggles in later life with boundaries, feelings of anxiety, and challenges in building healthy relationships. Maybe you suspect this was a part of your story?
Other Signs
For a bit of added clarity, here are some other things that can be signs of parentification:
You raised your siblings.
You paid the bills, did all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping.
You sacrificed your own needs for the family or parent.
You physically took care of your parents or family members.
You went to doctor’s appointments on your own.
You had to serve as the translator for your family.
You mediated conflicts between your parents.
You acted as a scapegoat to maintain family peace.
You were told heavy information that was meant for adults.
You acted like your parent’s therapist, listening and providing support.
You kept family secrets or lied to protect the family image.
You had little time for normal childhood play and rest.
You felt socially isolated as a child.
You felt responsible from a young age.
You felt like part of your childhood was missing.
You experienced anxiety, depression, guilt, or shame as a child.
Others commented frequently on how mature you were for your age.
In general, if you experienced parentification it’s likely that you managed responsibilities that are not suitable for a child, and had to deal with age-inappropriate activities that felt overwhelming. You may have carried the weight of the world on your shoulders. But likely weren’t able (or allowed to) express how hard it was for you as a child.
If this is a part of your story, I am so sorry that the adults in your life weren’t there for you. That was never a weight you were meant to carry.
Forced To Take On Too Much Too Soon
Being forced to take on too much, too soon as a child can lead to problems as an adult if not addressed. So, I think it’s important we talk about some of those effects, which can include (but may not all apply to your situation):
Trust issues
Difficulty understanding interpersonal issues
Have difficulty managing your own emotions
Difficulty having fun and not being uptight
Difficulty asking for help, overly self-reliant
A high need for control in life or over circumstances
Feel overly responsible for things you can’t control
Feel unappreciated for the responsibilities you taken on
Sacrifice personal needs for others/unhealthy people pleasing
You often assume the caregiver role in friendships/relationships
Unhealthy coping mechanisms (e.g., substance use, disordered eating)
If the things we talked about above describe you, I want you to know there is hope. I also want to acknowledge how hard this must have been for you. This was not an easy thing to endure as a child, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can begin to extend that same empathy for yourself as well.
If you found yourself coping as an adult with some (or all) of the things on the last list, please don’t beat yourself up. When we know better, we can do better. And what we don’t know we can’t be expected to do.
So, let’s close with some things that you can work on to begin healing and thriving.
Prioritize Self-Care: Focus on meeting your physical and emotional needs, including sleep, nutrition, and exercise. Because it’s likely you learned to prioritize everyone else’s needs above your own and you may still be doing this.
Allow God in: to those hard places where you’ve struggled and over functioned for everyone else for so long. He longs to bring you peace and a new way of living.
Establish Boundaries:
Set personal boundaries with others.
Create boundaries regarding your work/ministry responsibilities.
Accept Support: Learn to welcome and practice receiving help from others.
Reignite Playfulness: Engage in activities that bring joy and fun back into your life.
Practice Self-Empathy: Reflect on and have compassion for the younger version of yourself. Practice patience with yourself and embrace some discomfort as part of the healing process, knowing that with time and practice healing is possible!
Step Back from Peacekeeping: Release the need to mediate conflicts within the family, or at work, or church.
Understand Responsibility: Recognize that you are not solely responsible for the well-being of others. Also recognize that the only person you can control is yourself.
Connect with Supportive Communities: Seek out groups or individuals who share similar experiences and can provide tools for healing.
Acknowledge Your Journey: Reflect on how your childhood role shaped your current beliefs and relationships.
Explore Attachment Styles: Educate yourself about your emotional triggers from your past, and strategies for managing them in the present.
Healing From the Past
I work with many women who experienced parentification as children. And while at first, it’s sometimes hard for them to admit that their childhood wasn’t the “healthiest childhood,” they often begin to feel a sense of relief on some level when they acknowledge the truth.
It’s freeing for them to be able to put a name to what they experienced, and to understand that they weren’t alone, others have also gone through similar things.
Because, all too often they had carried a weight that was simply not their burden to carry.
They are then able to begin rebuilding heathy coping skills, create healthier relationships with healthy boundaries, and have greater compassion on themselves and to stop shaming themselves for never doing or being enough. Sometimes they also need to work through forgiveness (true forgiveness is vital though: not forgive and forget) or even anger towards those who hurt them.
Ultimately, they’re able to realize that God never meant for that to be a part of their story, and that He has good things for as they move forward.
God wants good things for you too. He has plans to heal you and even to use your pain if you’re able to allow Him into those tender spaces.
I am rooting for you as you continue down this path towards healing!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!