Do You Struggle Trusting Yourself?
Learning to Trust Yourself Again After Abuse
Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly challenging, and it's not uncommon if you’re left struggling with self-doubt afterward. Maybe you’ve been told repeatedly that you’re crazy or that you just make things up, or things aren’t as bad as they “seem.” Gaslighting can cause you to really question yourself.
A narcissistic person may try to control or dominate you. And the problem is this kind of power dynamic can fly under the radar for a while and it becomes a repeated offense over time, leading to an insidious wearing down of your mental well being and sometimes even your sanity.
We each make decisions in our lives based on different things. Some people make decisions based on the positive feedback they’ve received from past and present relationships, they seek healthy counsel, or they may base their choices and decisions on their values and morals, among other things.
However, when we’ve experienced a destructive relationship(s), especially an abusive or degrading relationship, we’ve spent so much time altering our reactions and behaviors to survive the onslaught of attacks to our character, that it does something to us. It changes us. We start to be who the other person wants or demands us to be, just to keep the peace, and we lose ourselves in the process.
While I often work with women who are either in or have separated from a destructive marriage or dating relationship, abuse of power happens in many relationships outside of intimate relationships. This could include in a work setting, with “friendships,” or in childhood with family or your parents. So, I’m hoping no matter where you experienced your hurt, whether in childhood, or as an adult, this information can be useful for you.
Here are some other reasons why you might distrust yourself after what you’ve gone through.
Eroded Self-Esteem: Abuse and mistreatment can chip away at your self-worth and confidence. Over time, an narcissistic, abusive, or hurtful person can make you feel like you are inherently flawed or incapable. They may dismiss or invalidate your thoughts and opinions, making you feel less than or unimportant. When you finally leave the relationship, you might still carry those negative beliefs with you, which can lead to self-doubt and difficulty trusting your own judgment or abilities.
Confusion and Self-Blame: Abusive or toxic relationships can be emotionally confusing, often involving manipulation and gaslighting. This can make it hard for you to distinguish reality from the distorted version presented by your abuser/hurtful person. You might question your perceptions and decisions, leading to a mistrust of your own thoughts and feelings. Or, the abuser or narcissistic person might have also convinced you that you were to blame for their horrible behavior, which can leave lingering self-blame. This can leave you with pervasive feelings of guilt or always feeling responsible for everyone and everything.
Difficulty in Decision-Making: After leaving an abusive or harmful relationship, you might struggle with decision-making due to the pervasive control and dominance exerted by your abuser. You may second-guess your choices or worry about making mistakes, fearing that you could end up in another harmful situation. This indecision can further undermine your confidence in your own judgment and abilities.
Though it can take time, I want you to know, it is possible to rebuild trust in yourself after an abusive, destructive, or toxic relationship. Here a few things that might help:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and accept any emotions you're experiencing. It's normal to feel confused, anxious, or doubtful about yourself after an abusive relationship.
Rebuild Self-Esteem: Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Small achievements, hobbies, or self-care routines can reinforce the amazing woman God created you to be. Seek out what God has to say about you, not what others have said. Dive deep into the word and search for verses that speak to your worth, and then pray for God to help you internalize how He feels about you.
Set Boundaries: Practice setting and maintaining boundaries. This can help you regain a sense of control and assertiveness in your current relationships and interactions.
Reflect on Your Strengths: Remind yourself of your strengths and your good qualities. You could try keeping a journal of decisions that you’ve made that have turned out well. This can be a helpful as a reminder that you are capable. This could even be incorporated into an existing grateful journal—thanking God for your victories.
Confirmation: Also, you may need to confirm just how bad the relationship really was. Sometimes we can have a tendency as we start moving out of a bad situation, to minimize just how bad it truly was for us. Others also have a way of doing this to us, that can make us feel like we shouldn’t leave. They may something like “you just need to give it longer, or what if he/she starts to change.” Write down what you know has happened that got you to the place where you were/are ready to leave, including the effects it’s had on you. As you see it in plain black and white, hopefully you’ll see that you are making a wise decision to get to a safe and healthy place.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Build a network of friends and family who respect and uplift you. People who truly care what you think and how you feel. People who don’t use force or manipulation to get you to do what they want, but honor what you want and need. You need cheerleaders not critics. Healthy relationships can provide validation and reinforce your sense of self-worth. They can help you see yourself as other healthy people see you. They can also provide the space you need to make your own choices without condemnation, and be the people who will celebrate your wins, not belittle you.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that healing is a process and it's okay to take it one step at a time (in fact that’s the only thing we can do!). You may even want to use gentle affirming words, so something like “you can do this,” or “there’s no wrong answer here, take your time.”
Start Small: Make small everyday decisions that don’t have a great weight attached to them. Start practicing with these types of decisions and gaining confidence each time you make a decision without getting stuck in self doubt. Celebrate your wins, even the small ones! Ask yourself each time “what do I want.” Then honor the answer. You’ve likely gotten to a place where your own needs and wants have been lost, so this could be a process. Listen to your thoughts as your deciding, are you second guessing yourself even in the small things, if so it’s time to do some self talk to regulate this self doubt loop.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: Work on identifying and challenging any negative self-beliefs or thoughts that stem from the harmful relationship.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy or counseling can be incredibly valuable. It can give you a space to process your experiences, rebuild healthy God-honoring self-esteem, and develop healthy coping strategies.
Remember, rebuilding trust in yourself takes time and patience. It's a journey, but with support and self-care, it’s entirely possible to come out stronger and more self-assured!
PS. If you find yourself in this hard place of decision fatigue or not trusting yourself to make good and healthy decisions, and would like to discuss what Christian counseling or coaching might look like for you, feel free to connect here for a free clarity call where we can discuss your needs: Free Clarity Call.
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!