Finding Peace Despite Difficult Relationships During the Holidays
Letting Go of Control and Focusing on Your Own Well-Being
I came across something online this week that immediately made me think of the many precious souls that will struggle this holiday season. While I hope everyone’s holidays are filled with much beauty, friendship, and family, I know unfortunately, that won’t be the case for everyone.
So, if you're struggling with relationships or dreading time with someone who is difficult to be around—whether it's with family, friends, your spouse, or even your church—I hope this might be helpful.
So here’s a snippet from a clip I heard which was a reading from the book: The Let Them Theory:
“People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves and most people have not gone to therapy. They haven’t looked at their issues and frankly they don’t want to. Let them. Let [other people] be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn’t a fairytale.
But…you get to choose what happens moving forward. The fact is most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, or heal their past, or manage their own emotions and if they haven’t done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve. Let them.
Recognize that you have a choice in your life. Let your family [friends, coworkers, spouse] be who they are and realize they aren’t changing. The only person you can change is you. When you say “let them,” you see [other people] exactly as they are, perhaps the very first time. They’re human. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward.” (The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins).
Deeper Dive
Now, I should clarify that I haven’t read this book, nor is this an endorsement. I only heard this very small portion, but it resonated with many of the principles I often share with my clients. And I thought, especially around the holidays, it’s such a good reminder that we can’t change others—only ourself.
I should also mention a key sentiment from the segment I heard, which I didn’t include above because, on its own, I didn't feel it fully captured the complexity of the topic. The statement was this: “When you learn how to accept people as they are and then you decide how to make the best of it. I promise you, your family dynamics are going to get better. That’s how powerful you are...”
Since I haven’t read the book, I imagine the author might clarify this point later, but based on what I heard, let me explain what I am going to assume and hope she expands on later in the book.
The reality is that no one person can singlehandedly fix family dynamics or any other relationship dynamics. Healthy relationships live on a two way street. Healthy relationships require effort from everyone involved. So if you are doing the work to clean up your side of the street but the other person refuses to, you will still have a very unhealthy relationship.
Again, even if you change your own behavior, there’s no guarantee others will follow suit. In fact, sometimes letting others be may mean they continue to spiral into destructive patterns—but ultimately, that’s their choice.
Even So…
As Christians, we are called to pray for those who challenge us and even those who refuse to do their own healing work and hurt us. That’s one thing we do have control over—how we choose to see others. And, God wants us to see every person as someone worthy of changing and hopefully finding Christ. However, seeing someone with compassion doesn’t mean that we have to step into their sinking boat.
While we can’t force anyone to change, and we can choose to have compassion for all people, I believe, we are also called to protect our own peace and emotional well-being.
God wants us to experience joy, peace, and healthy relationships, and He understands that we can't control others—and that means that sometimes we have to distance ourselves from people who are unhealthy and potentially unsafe.
Focus On What’s Yours
So, this holiday season, I hope you can focus on what you can control: your peace, your choices, and the relationships you want to cultivate, as well as the relationships that nurture your well being.
If someone in your life consistently drains you or causes harm, you don’t have to maintain close contact. Instead, “let them” be, and prayerfully decide how you want to proceed.
And remember, even if you decide you need to maintain distance for your peace or emotional safety, it can still be done in kindness. It may not be received in kindness, but that’s OK, you can “let them,” respond however they choose to.
In short, all we can do, is let others be who they are, while we focus on our own healing, and create the peace God desires for each of us. That’s my prayer for you, that you will find peace, healing, and nourishment for your soul.
Wishing you peace (clarity) and joy this holiday season!
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!