When Faith Becomes Fear: How Spiritual Abuse in Marriage Can Undermine Your Soul
The Beginning of Control: When Faith Takes a Different Turn
Sarah and Tom had been married for several years. Early in their marriage, Tom was warm and kind, and they shared a deep faith. They attended church regularly, prayed together, and often talked about how their faith brought them closer.
But over time, Sarah began to notice a shift. Tom's behavior started to change. Instead of nurturing their relationship, he began using their faith as a tool for control. At first, it was subtle, and the small things that didn’t seem too alarming. Tom would “suggest” how Sarah should dress, or remind her of what he believed were “godly” ways to behave.
Soon Tom began quoting scripture often, always with a particular tone: “The Bible says that the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23). Sarah knew this verse, and she knew it was important to Tom. But now, he had began using it to justify more controlling behavior.
He told Sarah that she needed to stop attending Bible study with her close friends, where other men were at the study, because he believed it was inappropriate for her to spend time with other men in a spiritual context. “The Bible says that wives should submit to their husbands,” he would say, referencing Ephesians 5:22, “and that means you need to follow my guidance on how to use your time.”
When Sarah tried to explain that she found the Bible study valuable for her spiritual growth, Tom’s tone became stern. “You don’t need any more ‘teaching.’ The Bible is clear—your role is to support me, not seek spiritual knowledge from anyone else,” he argued, his words laced with the threat that her actions might be dishonoring to God.
Scripture Used as a Shield: When Bible Verses Become Weapons
At first, Sarah tried to push back, but Tom kept referencing scripture, insisting that his leadership was in line with God’s will. “The Bible says a wife is to submit to her husband in everything,” he reminded her (Ephesians 5:24). His repeated use of these verses made her feel that if she didn’t comply, she was being disobedient to God.
Tom’s views on various matters became more and more stringent and extreme. And he began making decisions for their family without consulting Sarah—everything from how to spend their money to what they should wear and who they could associate with. When Sarah questioned him, he reminded her, “The Bible says, ‘Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.’” (Ephesians 5:22). His tone was firm, and it made Sarah feel like she was being rebellious against God’s design for marriage. He even told her that if she questioned him, she was “rejecting God’s order,” and that would result in “divine consequences.”
But it wasn’t just Sarah who felt Tom’s tightening grip. As their children grew, Tom became increasingly harsh in his discipline. He would often discipline them in moments of anger, citing Bible verses to justify his actions. “The Bible says, ‘Whoever spares the rod hates their child,’” he would say (Proverbs 13:24), using this verse to back up his harsh, sometimes physical punishments. Sarah started noticing that the children were becoming fearful, withdrawn, and often cried out of frustration.
They seemed to walk on eggshells around their dad, never knowing when his temper would flare. Sarah did too. It was like living in an emotional landmine.
The Illusion of Submission: A Wife’s Struggle to Obey
When Sarah tried to intervene or soften Tom’s approach, pointing out that their children were being harmed by his extreme discipline, he would turn the Bible against her, saying, “The Bible says that the rod is for the fool and the child must be disciplined firmly. If they don’t obey me, they’ll turn out unruly and disrespectful.”
Her objections only seemed to make him more rigid. Every time she gently pushed back, he would become more extreme in his actions, growing even harsher with the kids. “If you don’t support my discipline, you’re undermining God’s order,” he told her. "Your lack of submission and loose discipline is what’s causing the kids to be disobedient."
Tom began isolating Sarah emotionally, and increasingly, she felt powerless to stop the cycle. As Tom grew more assertive in using the Bible, he began to shut Sarah down emotionally and spiritually. When she shared her concerns or emotions, he dismissed them with verses like, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing” (Philippians 2:14) or “A wife should be silent in the church” (1 Corinthians 14:34). These verses, taken out of context, made Sarah feel like her feelings didn’t matter, and that she was being unbiblical by speaking up or expressing her needs.
The children were growing resentful of their father’s harsh treatment, as Tom convinced himself that he was doing God’s will. “I'm their father, and God entrusted me with their discipline," he would say.
Meanwhile, Sarah's heart broke as she watched her children retreat into themselves, afraid of their father’s anger, and growing more resentful of the very faith they had once shared.
Fear, Guilt, and Control: The Emotional Toll of Spiritual Abuse
Sarah felt a crushing weight of guilt. She loved God and she loved Tom, but she wasn’t sure how much of her feelings and desires she should suppress in order to fit his narrow interpretation of the Bible. Tom’s constant use of scripture made her feel trapped—like there was no room for her to have a voice or make decisions in the marriage.
At one point, feeling suffocated and even questioning her own relationship with God in light of the oppression and confusion she felt, Sarah suggested they seek marital counseling. But Tom’s response was swift and dismissive. He told her that their marriage was a private matter, one that should remain between them and God. "We don’t need anyone else involved in our marriage. God will help us work this out.” And this was the common advice they would hear when marriage was spoken of at their church.
They were taught that marriage was a “sacred circle” and no one was to be invited into that. To Tom this meant not even to help them address issues in the marriage.
Tom’s refusal to consider outside help only deepened Sarah’s isolation and confusion, and she began to wonder if even God had left her—she felt so alone. The overwhelming sense of being trapped and unheard consumed her thoughts. As Tom continued to manipulate their faith to justify his actions, Sarah began to question everything she had once believed. Was she misunderstanding God’s will? Or was it that God had simply abandoned her in this suffocating relationship? The doubts and pain she felt in her marriage began to bleed into her spiritual life, leaving her spiritually and emotionally adrift.
Abuse Hidden Behind Scripture
Tom’s use of the Bible to manipulate Sarah’s behavior is a clear example of spiritual abuse. While on the surface, to some it might seem like he is simply “following God’s word,” in reality, he is twisting scripture to justify controlling and harmful behavior. Here are a few ways this manifests:
Distortion of Scripture for Control: Tom is using the verses about submission (Ephesians 5:22-24) and headship (Ephesians 5:23) to dominate and control Sarah, while ignoring the mutual love, respect, and sacrifice that Paul describes in the same chapter (Ephesians 5:25), where husbands are called to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Exploiting Guilt and Shame: Tom manipulates Sarah's desire to obey God by making her feel guilty for asserting herself. He uses scriptures that promote peace and submission but selectively ignores the importance of mutual respect and healthy communication in relationships. This creates an environment where Sarah feels constantly wrong for not submitting unquestioningly.
Emotional Isolation: By twisting biblical passages to silence her concerns, Tom prevents Sarah from expressing her thoughts, feelings, or needs. He isolates her emotionally and spiritually, creating an atmosphere where her own voice is overshadowed by his interpretation of God's will. She soon begins to listen only to Tom’s voice, because following him (even over following God) is what keeps the peace in their home.
Perpetuating Fear and Intimidation: Tom invokes the fear of divine consequences (God punishing her for disobedience) to keep Sarah from challenging his decisions. This is a classic tactic of spiritual abuse—using religious fear to control someone’s actions.
Recognizing the Abuse
This is just one example of how spiritual abuse in marriage can be hidden behind scripture, making it difficult to recognize manipulation. In Sarah’s case, Tom’s selective and distorted use of the Bible created an environment of fear, guilt, and control, where she felt compelled to follow his every directive, even at the expense of her autonomy, well-being, and the emotional health of their children.
When scripture is twisted to justify harmful behavior, it becomes especially damaging, as it’s difficult to separate what’s sacred from what’s abusive. In these situations, what’s happening within the marriage has little to do with Christ’s love or the mutual respect marriage is meant to foster. Instead, it’s a pattern of control and manipulation masked as faithfulness, whether the abuser is aware of it or not.
Often, when confronted, an abuser may concede that their actions weren’t ideal but quickly defend themselves by saying, “I didn’t hurt you or the kids on purpose; I was just doing what I thought was right.” However, intentionality doesn’t change the impact. The harm caused by the abuse is real, and its effects are often devastating and long lasting.
Then, there are those who may never admit that their actions caused harm, whether intentional or not. In either case, it’s crucial if you're being abused to seek support and guidance. The Bible is clear, God calls for mutual love, respect, and freedom—never coercion or control.
Darah Ashlie
Hi, I’m Darah! If you’re joining us for the first time, welcome, I’m glad you’re here. I’m an Abuse Recovery Coach as well as a Board Certified Christian Counselor whose passion is to help women go from surviving to thriving. On the blog I share how you can get out of feeling stuck and overwhelmed, relationally and emotionally, and start to live like an overcomer!