Emotional Abuse Questionnaire
Answer the following questions using a scale of 0-3: with the numbers indicating the following:
0=no or never, 1=occasionally, 2=sometimes, 3=often or frequently
(For a printable PDF you can mark your answers on, scroll to the end of the questionnaire.)
Have you stopped spending time with family and friends because of your partner’s dislike of them, or has he (or she) tired to dissuade you from spending too much time with them? Does he (or she) insult your family and friends?
Does your partner guilt you into spending all of your time with them?
Are you allowed privacy in what you do, who you speak with, or what’s on your devices, such as your cell phone? Or does your partner monitor these things?
Does your partner exhibit jealous behaviors, seem overly suspicious that you’re not being faithful, or accuse you of being flirtatious with others?
Do you feel like you’re walking on egg shells when your partner is around or feel relief when your partner is away for a while?
Do you feel free to say what you truly think around your partner, or do you feel like you need to conform your thoughts and opinions to theirs in order to keep the peace?
Does your partner make you feel like you’re crazy, or tell others that you’re crazy?
Does your partner call you names, swear at you, or belittle you?
Does your partner devalue your likes, interests, and hobbies?
Is your spouse patronizing, condescending, dismissive, or sarcastic towards you?
Does your partner manipulate or guilt you, or withhold affection, money, or sex to get their way?
Does your partner overly criticize your actions, words, or who you are as a person?
Does your partner do things to embarrass you in front of others or in public?
Does your partner behave one way around others and a completely different way around you?
Does your partner do things that hurt you or emotionally wound you, and then act as though they were only joking, minimize their actions, or turn around and blame you for bringing up their actions?
Does your partner get angry and threaten you either by throwing things, intimidating you, giving frightening looks, or by driving erratically to scare you?
Does your partner threaten to harm you, your children, or your pets?
Do you feel like you can’t do anything good enough to please your partner?
Does your partner threaten to take your children if you leave, or to kill themselves if you leave them?
Does you partner control all the finances, or give you a small allowance and monitor how you spend it?
Does your partner force you to do things sexually that you would rather not do, or coerce you into having sex when you don’t want to?
Does your partner insult or make fun of your religious beliefs or keep you from worshipping the way you believe?
Does your partner make you question your reality, tell you that you’re too sensitive, or when you call out their bad behavior accuse you of making things up?
When arguments occur in your relationship, do they escalate to the point that they get out of control?
Does your partner believe or act as though you should always do things their way or do what they tell you to do? Do they treat you as inferior to themselves, or like a child?
Does your partner always have to be right and if they can’t “win” an argument they sulk or become angry, or punish you in some way?
Do you fear when your partner becomes silent, or gives you the silent treatment?
Have you stopped seeing friends or family due to shame regarding your relationship? Have you lied to them or hidden things about your life, or the things that are happening in your marriage?
Do you feel hopeless, isolated, and/or confused in your relationship?
For the Printable Emotional Abuse Questionnaire:
HOW TO RATE YOUR RESULTS:
Answer each question as thoughtfully as possible. Consider patterns over an extended period of time (over the last 6-12 months). Once you’ve completed all the questions, add up all the numbers from each of your responses. The higher your total is (1-87 possible points), the more likely it is that you are dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship.
This questionnaire is not designed to not be a definitive guide but it can provide a good indication when abusive behaviors are present within a given relationship.
The abusive behaviors listed within the questionnaire all warrant seeking further help if they are occurring continually or are a pattern in your relationship, and especially if they are occurring on a more frequent or extreme basis. Often an emotionally abusive partner does not behave in abusive ways continually (though some do). Many abusive partners will have periods where they can even be kind, attentive, and you may enjoy their company. But, if the negative behaviors listed above continue to cycle back around in the relationship, then it’s likely that you are dealing with abusive patterns that need to be addressed. Abuse rarely, if ever, deescalates on its own. Abuse requires intervention.
Intervention may include any or all of the following:
learning to set healthy boundaries
seeking outside help from a trained professional
separating from the one who is harming you
creating a more immediate safety plan and putting it into action
It should be noted that if you’ve now recognized that you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, couples counseling is not recommended for destructive or abusive relationships. However, individual counseling or coaching is recommended. It’s best to seek out help that is trained in domestic abuse and violence.
If your partner is threatening to or currently harming you, your children, or your pets in any way, including sexual force, physical harm, stalking, intimidating you with guns or weapons, or verbally threatening to kill you or your children among other things—these types of behavior are very dangerous and have been known to increase the likelihood of you or your children being severely injured or killed.
If you feel you need immediate assistance getting to safety please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/), or contact your local domestic violence shelter. If you or your children are in immediate danger, dial 911.
What to Do Now?
If you are now recognizing that you may be in an abusive or destructive relationship and would like to work with a trained abuse recovery coach or join a support group you can “Start Here.” This will connect you with resources, coaching, and courses to help you on your journey to healing.
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
Help for Emotional Abuse: https://www.restoredforgood.org/
For Abuse Recovery Coaching: https://www.darahashlie.com/coaching
To join the next Overcomer’s Course: https://www.darahashlie.com/overcoming
*A 13 Week (trauma and abuse informed) Support Group for Women